Life has been really beautiful and messy and beautifully messy lately. The polygraph was an icky yucky time, but it was the beginning of change that turned our dang caterpillar of a relationship into more of a butterfly. (Yes, that's the best I can do right now. Wink.)
I have seen such monumental change in myself, in my husband, and in my relationship, and it is hopeful, exciting, and just about dang time.
I see my husband working hard everyday. I see him trying to understand me more. Responding to me when I say "hey, this isn't right". He is curious, empathetic, helpful, loving, repentant, remorseful, and also still very human. And so am I. And I am beginning to be able to honor the human in him, as well as in myself. To recognize his efforts, and to give him the space he needs to learn and grow.
I went to a 12 step meeting last week. I spoke up and said I would like to share a bit about my story. It was amazing. I told my story and if felt like acceptance. The kleenex box sat next to me untouched. I felt peace. Hope. Gratitude. Contentment. Well, content enough. And that is huge.
The last few months have been a whirlwind of every emotion imaginable intensified. It was the darkest night before the dawn, and now I am enjoying the sunshine.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know if things will continue to get better between my husband and I and stay that way for good. I hope they do. But the things I learned about myself during that time, and the things I have seen my husband is capable of, will stay with me always. There is no going back to the way things were before. There is no climbing back into the cocoon after this butterfly has hatched. I have spread my wings and I'm going to use them when needed.
Because I have been waiting so long to fly.
