Along for the ride

Freedom

Things were dark for a while there. It was a -ball on the floor-fly into a rage-wish I could crawl out of my skin- kind of week. After another painful attempt at climbing back over the barbed wire fence, I have finally found my groove and am feeling re-centered.

I told my husband I don't want to live this way anymore. We are having another in home separation and I am starting to work on preparing myself to be independent. I don't know how long I will continue to live like this, but I know I'm working towards a way out. I am tired of this cycle. Tired of the dishonesty. The blame. The rationalizations, denial, and selfishness. I am tired of always being the one to bring his behavior to light. I won't be his Savior anymore. I can't be. All my attempts at helping him see his ways have just continued the cycle. 

A helpful(aka enabling) wife does not a recovered man make. 

I am feeling much more peace and serenity these days. And I am taking back the parts of my life I was pushing aside. I scheduled appointments, planned and paid for a training workshop, called a counselor to set up an appointment (after the polygraph therapist fiasco I have been dragging my feet on starting therapy again), and I've been participating in multiple recovery meetings. I cook meals when I'm finding the time, and warming up frozen dinners when I need a break. And not feeling guilty for taking days off. 

I'm following my gut. Stepping out of my comfort zone. Telling my fears they are valid, and I appreciate their concerns but I'm still going forward with what feels right. And working on telling my mind to be still. 

I feel a bit all over the place today. I feel the pendulum swinging back and forth and I'm not sure where it is going to stop. But I'm hanging on and going along with it willingly.

This is my life. I am led by God and he knows where I'm going. I'm trying to trust in Him and pray I can hang on for the ride. And learn to appreciate the journey instead of waiting for the destination. 

Taking Flight

Life has been really beautiful and messy and beautifully messy lately. The polygraph was an icky yucky time, but it was the beginning of change that turned our dang caterpillar of a relationship into more of a butterfly. (Yes, that's the best I can do right now. Wink.)

I have seen such monumental change in myself, in my husband, and in my relationship, and it is hopeful, exciting, and just about dang time.

I see my husband working hard everyday. I see him trying to understand me more. Responding to me when I say "hey, this isn't right". He is curious, empathetic, helpful, loving, repentant, remorseful, and also still very human. And so am I. And I am beginning to be able to honor the human in him, as well as in myself. To recognize his efforts, and to give him the space he needs to learn and grow.

I went to a 12 step meeting last week. I spoke up and said I would like to share a bit about my story. It was amazing. I told my story and if felt like acceptance. The kleenex box sat next to me untouched. I felt peace. Hope. Gratitude. Contentment. Well, content enough. And that is huge.

The last few months have been a whirlwind of every emotion imaginable intensified. It was the darkest night before the dawn, and now I am enjoying the sunshine.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know if things will continue to get better between my husband and I and stay that way for good. I hope they do. But the things I learned about myself during that time, and the things I have seen my husband is capable of, will stay with me always. There is no going back to the way things were before. There is no climbing back into the cocoon after this butterfly has hatched. I have spread my wings and I'm going to use them when needed.

Because I have been waiting so long to fly.

Battle

In the trenches.
The polygraph is happening right now states away and time feels like it has stopped.

What if he doesn't pass? What if he does????

There was new information that came out before the polygraph. Lies. And irrefutable lies. I already know my husband has been blatantly deceiving me without question. At this point the polygraph is just to know whether my worst fears have come true.

And my husband is still manipulating his way around EVERYTHING.

I have text evidence of his own words where he contradicts what he is trying to tell me I am "misunderstanding".

He is so very lost. And underneath all the pain, anger, and fear, is pity. For a man that is so far gone he believes his own lies even when they are staring him in the face. It is heartbreaking.

Then in the middle of our conversation, when it is clear he has lied so deeply, I end the conversation and ask him to call me back when he has thought about it and realizes his mistake.

Then I get a voicemail.  A big terrible awful voicemail.

It is my psychologist, but she isn't leaving a message for me. She called the wrong person.

My stomach dropped and my eyes grew wide with disbelief. She is leaving a message for our polygrapher on my phone. And saying things that she shouldn't be saying, she is talking about the client's "wife"...."it sounds like you have already figured out that she is really difficult to deal with"......"she's been told repeatedly by me that the things she are asking are not gonna be good questions for the poly"....

She sounds annoyed. I feel betrayed.

Earlier that day we had a phone session. She talked about how my needs would be met, how they would be doing everything they can to get me the answers I need. She said she was on my side. She knew, having been betrayed herself what my pain was. There was compassion, empathy, understanding. She mentioned some of the questions were tricky, but I should contact the polygrapher and she could help me define them so they will be effective. No suggestion that these questions should be changed. No hint of the emotions she conveys in this voicemail.

I was shaking. My teeth started to chatter uncontrollably. My husband calls back, at first I tell him I can't talk about anything else, I tell him what happened.

A few minutes later he calls again. I am very hesitant to put myself through more pain when I am in crisis. A tiny sliver of hope that he will confess his mistake, apologize for the many lies and show me a determination to change. I warn him not to hurt me any more right now.

As soon as the words "I am so sorry that you FEEL like you are being lied to...." slip out of his mouth I hang up. I am broken completely. Every last shard of my heart disintegrates into nothing. The reality of my situation hits me in the gut.

My husband is a liar. He has played his part well. Over a year sober. Multiple addiction meetings weekly, seeing a therapist, working steps with a sponsor, he has a SPONSEE.
All while choosing to stay stuck, and is unwilling to acknowledge the problem. His dishonesty destroys all of his efforts and he doesn't even see it.
Insanity.

I am surviving. I am working like hell to fight against Satan's attempts to destroy me and my family.
I received a blessing and it confirmed to me that I need to do everything in my power to protect me and my precious children from this disease. I need to build them up and prepare them because what lies ahead is not going to be pretty.

My oldest daughter is amazingly intuitive. She has been crying the last few days because she misses her daddy. She feels everything that is going on even without me telling her. She says "I feel like we are never going to live with him again". (We are living with my parents right now) I don't know what to say to her. I don't know if we will live with him again either. I hold her, I tell her I understand how she feels, and that she will be able to talk to him soon. How am I going to tell her we won't be living with daddy for a long time, and that mommy and daddy may never live together again? How can I break her heart like that? I trust in God and His plan for us. I know he loves this little girl infinitely more than even I do. He will give us exactly what we need. Everything is happening just as it should and I feel His strength carrying me through.

Any minute now I will know if my husband has crossed lines I never thought he would cross.

I am strength.
I am peace.
I am doing hard things.
I will rise above.

Winds of Change

My last post was about how we were doing so much better. Well...things have changed. We are separated, living in different states, and my kids and I are staying with family. We have a polygraph scheduled for 2 weeks from now, and we haven't even started disclosure yet. There have been too many unknowns, secrets, gut pangs, whatever you want to call it. Something is just not right.

My husband says he has been sober for over a year, is in "good recovery", goes to a few recovery meetings a week, works the steps, has a sponsor, and a sponsee, and yet.....I can't get far enough away from him. My creepy guy detector has become deafening.  Not that my senses are the only thing telling me something is wrong. I don't know if my husband is still looking at porn, but at the very least he is a dry drunk still stuck in the addiction cycle of blame, defensiveness, shame....

Case in point, my hubs has maintained he has never lusted after a woman in "real life" meaning a woman not on a screen, page, etc. This has been a battle between us for over a year. I don't believe him, and I am upset, he is upset that I don't believe him, and on and on.
So the polygraph gets scheduled and guess what? Within a few days I get a text..."I just remembered there was a time that I lusted after a real woman." He just remembered all of a sudden after 15 months saying otherwise and it was an isolated event. Apparently it has only happened one time. How is your creepy guy detector doing? Yeah mine is going off too!

There have been so many things I have asked him to disclose  to me, only to find out later, from my own checking, that he wasn't, and when I would ask him about it, there was always an excuse. "I didn't know you wanted to know that." "I don't remember you asking me.....", and on and on.

Where am I going with this? I don't know. I am always looking for validation that I am not insane, but I am also trying to cross a threshold here. A line that says enough is enough. I don't need anyone to tell me that my husband isn't being honest. I keep thinking I do. A counselor, his sponsor, a polygraph, etc. But I really don't. Whether I discover any "proof" of his lies or not, I can feel the spirit telling me that something is wrong. That my marriage is full of holes and gaps, and that unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach means something! And that something isn't just the trauma from betrayal. It is the same feeling I had when I didn't know about his addiction. When I would tell him I felt like something wasn't right, even when I had no clue what that was. And when he would look me in the eyes and tell me he didn't know what that something was.

I am in survival mode. The fear and panic about "what is going on, where am I going to live, what am I going to do????!?!?!" threatens to tear me apart constantly. I am fighting a battle every day to try and keep moving, keep working on my healing but it feels sometimes like trying to build a sand castle when the waves are still coming in and washing it away.

I know I can't stay here, I know I am scared to move back home and live there(I would live there alone with my kids but I have no family for hundreds of miles out there and since we just moved there I don't know anyone in the area.)

I have been making some changes and starting some new things in my life that I am hoping will cause a shift. I am hoping these changes will give me the boost I need to deal with this mess. I am praying that God will give me the strength to make it through. I can't wait around hoping my husband will save our marriage, our family. The storm has rolled in and it is time to get my kids to safety, with or without him. Things need to change. I need to change. And my kids need a change too.

Cautiously Optimistic

Remember how I talked about the roller coaster here?

Well right now we are at the top of the coaster. Things are good, really good. I am just enjoying it and living in the moment(thanks to a lovely friend makemyburdenlight suggesting it).

This is the point where I would give a big sigh of relief and say to myself "whew.....we made it". He has seen the light. I've always wanted to attend one of those churches, the kind with a pastor who yells and proclaims and shouts hallelujah's from the pulpit. It is in this precise moment when I would hear that voice in my head shouting for joy, "Hallelujah! He has seen the LIGHT!".

I always thought once he seemed to understand something important, no, VITAL, to our recovery as a couple that everything would be better. Still difficult mind you, I mean, there was no ignoring that triggers for either of us, whether the pain of him still struggling with lust, or me remembering past betrayals. But I thought that if we were a team, united, then the hard part was behind us.

But then the roller coaster would plummet and everything would be tossed upside down again.

So today I am using a different approach.

I don't assume this is the last time. I don't even expect it is. And that my friends, is so freeing. Life changing! Because then I am not controlled by what he does or doesn't do.

Does that mean it won't hurt if/when he loses empathy? No.

Does that mean I don't hope like heck that this is the last time we go through this roller coaster? No.

I still hope for change that lasts. I still pray for it, but I don't base all my happiness on whether it lasts or not.

I am Cautiously Optimistic. I hope we can remain a team through all the future challenges. I hope he will remember how to hold my pain, how to listen to me, and not just try to "fix" the problem.

But I don't expect that the change will last. And I continue to prepare and work my recovery so that when that roller coaster plummets I am ready. So it doesn't drop out of nowhere while I scramble to put on my seat belt.

This is where boundaries come in. This is where self care comes in. This is why I have my support network in place, with women who I can call, text, vox, email, telegram....when I need them. Which is most of the time when I am awake.

I am reminded that my husband is not God. I love his support, love, and understanding. But I am learning not to need it. Because I can't hand over control of my happiness to someone who is human and makes mistakes. I trust my life with God, who knows all, sees all, understands all. He alone has the power to provide me with complete safety.

I want my husband to find true recovery. I want these changes in him to last. I take each day with him on my side as a gift. An opportunity to breathe. Take lots of hot baths while he watches the kids. Let him buy my favorite treats, and vent all the pain and fear and hurt I am feeling while he is able to listen. I find happiness in this day, as it is, and try not to look back on how pissed I would be if I read this after d day 14 months ago. (Seriously, I would be majorly pissed)

So thank you my friends for reading. Thanks for giving me a space where I can be heard. Where I am allowed to learn and grow and accept myself. I needed it.

A letter to myself

I felt inspired to write this letter after watching a few other women read their stories on the LDS ARP website. You can find those videos here.

Dear Sway,

I am so sorry for the pain you are in right now. That is probably the most inadequate sentence I have ever written. There are truly no words to describe the hell you are going through right now. 

There are a few things I want you to know. First of all, you are going to be okay. I know you probably want to punch me for saying that, but it's true. I know because I am you. There will be many, many times that it will feel like your world is ending, but there will also be times of great strength and empowerment. 

You will receive blessings that confirm the truth that your Father in heaven knows and loves you. Personally. He is aware of your struggle and He is watching over you every step of the way. Even on the days when you feel hopelessly alone. 

You will also become so much more than you have ever been. This is a life changing moment. From this moment on you will never be the same, and there will come a day when that fact will bring tears to your eyes, and joy to your heart. 

Remember how you felt incomplete? Remember how you wondered if this was all there was to life? The moments where you prayed and asked Heavenly Father to help you move forward? To strengthen your testimony? This is the start of that new beginning. I know, what a terrible way to find the answers to those questions. It's okay to be angry. Really angry. You will be so angry that you won't know what to do. You will want to claw off your skin, destroy EVERYTHING. It's okay. You will learn how to honor those feelings, let it flow through you, and find peace again. 

Now is not the time to be hard on yourself. You do not need to take on the responsibility of "helping" your husband find recovery. That is his responsibility. I know you won't know how to let go. It's okay. Make mistakes and learn from them. It will take time to let go. In the meantime, forgive yourself when you just can't pull away. It's a process, and everyday you are taking another step towards healing. You will get there. Don't rush it or expect it to work on your timetable. You will get there when you are meant to. 

One of the most important things you need to do is start reaching out to others. Sit and ponder who to open up to. The more people you can call on the better. Every time you reach out and share your story you will become stronger, more confident in your ability to get through this. I know it is scary but once you build up your support network with women who know and even women who don't, you will feel the strength and support of your sisters standing with you. They are warriors just like you. Trust them with your fears and your hopes. 

Find 12 step meetings and attend when you can. Work the steps. They will be like an anchor, keeping you from drifting off into crazy town. Find a sponsor. Reach out to her often. Journal. When you feel like wringing your husbands neck, get out your journal and spew words out onto the page. Write until you can't write anymore. 

Treat yourself with kindness. Really. Take care of yourself. Go to sleep instead of writing that email pleading with your husband to care about you. You don't need him to take care of you anymore. You are going to do that for yourself just fine. Speak to yourself how you would talk to yourself as a little girl. Cherish that little girl in you. She has been through fire, and she has done amazing things. She did the best with what she had, and she has goodness in her heart. She has a great desire to do more, be more. She needs you to protect her and tell her she is enough. 

There is so much more I want to say. I wish I could be with you through this. I wish I could make you believe all the things that you will refuse to accept right now. But I trust you. I know you will find your way. You are capable of so much. You will find your power. When you are at your lowest, you will fall on your knees and pray to know what to do. And He will answer you. He will show you the way. You are not alone. We are going to make it Sway. Life will be beautiful again. Hang on. Miracles are on their way. 

Love, Sway

Save the Drama For Your Mama

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Hi. My name is Sway and I am a persecutor. (...Hi Sway....)

The phone rings, my husband answers. He just got out of a meeting and he is headed to run some errands and then get dinner. 
I respond with passive agressive comments about him not saying when he will get back to his room.(He's out of town for work right now.)
He explains when he will get back to his room.
I question what he will do once he gets there. 
He tells me. 
I berate him for not planning on doing the things I think he should be doing. 
Then I cry. I accuse. I attack. I persecute. I play the victim.

sigh. 

I remember learning about the drama triangle in college. Back when I knew everything and was pretty sure that I was going to be the perfect mother, with a perfect home, with a perfect husband. 

Yeah. 

Now I play at least 2 if not all 3 roles in the drama triangle on a regular basis. 

I make deals with myself that I will be perfect tomorrow. (Why can't my heart convince my mind that this isn't going to happen?!?! )

I will be the model WoPA(whatever that is). 

I will have it all under control by sheer willpower(hmmm, sounds like someone I know....)

I am firmly planted in the drama triangle. 

My heart tells me I need to accept and love myself where I am right now, in this very moment. Not tomorrow(when I'll be perfect), today. I need to dig deep, and see where this need to persecute is coming from. 

Today it is because my husband isn't safe, I'm traumatized, I'm scared. He's hundreds of miles away, and so busy that he is ignoring boundaries all over the place. We have a lot going on right now. But that isn't REALLY what is going on. 

The real issue is that I need space to heal, and I'm not allowing myself to have that space. I continue to try and connect with my husband, and then blame him for not providing me with the safety I need. 

The truth is, he could doing everything right and I still wouldn't feel safe with him. I don't trust him. 

I am not allowing myself to have space because my mind tells me I'm not worthy of it. All of the lies I tell myself of why I should be stronger, should be better, should be....whatever. 

I should have known better than to should myself. (See what I did there?)

Once I allowed myself to stop and listen to my heart, where that little girl inside me was pleading "Please Sway, please let me take a break. Let me find inner peace and happiness away from all this turmoil. Can you do it for me please?", I realized I had been ignoring her. I had been telling her to tough it out and start acting like she was fine because that's what I expected of her. That's what everyone was expecting of her. Why did she keep losing control? Why couldn't she just try harder and keep her cool?

The expectations I was setting on myself were causing me pain. The things I tell myself sound like: "your husband isn't relapsing(that I know of) so stop acting so pathetic" and "he is trying so even if he is still getting a lot of things wrong you have no reason to ask him for space right now" and harder yet to let go of "You need him to talk to. You need to hear that he loves you and needs you and that he will do everything he can to make things better.".  I was just so lonely that I was desperate for him to be there for me. I needed connection so badly. And I really wanted that connection to be with my him. My love.(blech. here comes the bile.) 
Seriously though, I want to have the peace and happiness in my relationship that all of us should be able to experience. And there is nothing wrong with really missing that. But that is something that I simply cannot have right now. It isn't available to me. So I pick myself up off the floor, figure out my game plan, and take action to put it in place. I need to work on my healing. I need to be less involved in my husbands life and recovery right now. 

As I listen to my inner voice, and I place value and priority on what she is telling me she needs, then she feels heard. She relaxes. The tension starts to float away. Her burden is still firmly placed on her shoulders; that pain will take time to release. But she is no longer fighting for what she needs. She is able to surrender into the peace and as she does she softly whispers "Thank you Sway. Thank you for listening to me today. Thank you for showing me love.". I hope I always remember to listen to her and do everything I can to give her what she needs. I love her. I love me.  

You feelin' strong my friend?

Feeling good with some strength today. A boundary has been broken. Now I'm getting past the painful part of that initial detachment. When space is much needed, it always feels like climbing over a barbed wire fence. I'm bloody and desperate to get on the other side, and it hurts. But once I'm over, and my wounds have been properly tended to by reaching out to WONDERFUL friends(most of whom I have never met in person), the peace sets in. Then the hysterical happiness seizes my heart and I feel a burst of strength. 

I run through the meadows like a crazy person who has escaped from an asylum, "I'm free, I'm free!!!!!".

So today I'm feeling strong. Loving this song by Ingrid Michaelson.

"Afterlife"

When the world is breaking down around you
Taking everything that you know
What you didn't know
Is that we can go forever if we want to
We can live inside of a moment
The one that we own

You and me we got this
You and me we're beautiful, beautiful

We all, we all, we're gonna be alright
We got, we got, we always got the fight in us
We all, we all, we're gonna live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow 'cause we're the afterlife

Living like you're dying isn't living at all
Give me your cold hands put them on my heart
Raise a glass to everyone who thinks
They'll never make it through this life
To live a brand-new start

You and me we got this
You and me we're beautiful, beautiful

We all, we all, we're gonna be alright
We got, we got, we always got the fight in us
We all, we all, we're gonna live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow 'cause we're the afterlife
'Cause we're the afterlife
'Cause we're the afterlife

Every time I close my eyes I hear your favorite song
Telling me not to run, not to worry anymore
I can hold on tight to nothing better than the rest
So it's now or never more

We all, we all, we're gonna be alright
We got the fight in us
We all, we all, we're gonna live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow 'cause we're the afterlife

We all, we all, we're gonna be alright
We got, we got, we always got the fight in us
We all, we all, we're gonna live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow 'cause we're the afterlife
'Cause we're the afterlife
'Cause we're the afterlife

We all, we all, we're gonna be alright
We got, we got, we always got the fight in us
We all, we all, we're gonna live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow 'cause we're the afterlife

The Devil in a Tutu

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I have been having a recurring dream that leaves me feeling scared, depressed, and uneasy. It comes in many different forms, but last night it included Jim Carrey in a tutu. 

The general format is this:

I am walking around in an unfamiliar place which is usually a college campus, or a mall, etc. I always feel like I'm in a labyrinth. 

I am trying to get somewhere but I have no idea where I'm even trying to get to. I feel like I've been walking for hours and hours and I've been through many rooms, buildings, spaces, and they are never the same. 

There are usually people around but no one is interested in helping me. Actually, I don't think I ever ask for help. Which is strange because in these dreams I always feel scared, panicky, and anxious that I'm going to be late to something important. 

At some point in the dream, I start to realize that I'm not only trying to reach a destination, I am trying to avoid or get away from someone. 

In my dreams I don't usually know who I'm trying to get away from, although last night it was Jim Carrey from that Pet Detective movie as shown in the picture above. (My mind has to include something humorous at some point since comedy is how I make it through life. Although in my dream he was not funny.)

My dream usually ends when I make it out of the "labyrinth" but I don't feel relief. Usually at that point there is some sort of confrontation with the unknown person who is coming after me, and I wake up in the middle of it. No closure or resolution. No happy ending. Just left hanging on the edge of fear. 

Last night it ended with Jim Carrey running after me as I got in my car, and he ended up on my windshield with a crazy look in his eyes as I tried to swerve left and right to shake him off. This sounds pretty funny now that I'm typing it out but last night I was terrified. My heart raced as I ran to get in my car in a dark parking lot with him running after me. My blood froze because I felt like his intentions were sinister. He was going to hurt me, beat me, rape me, I don't know. But I was afraid that he would leave me broken. 

Writing this out, I feel like there is no way to convey the sheer terror I feel when I'm dreaming. And maybe this will just seem weird or funny to you. But I think this story is a parallel to my life right now. 

In life, and in life with a sex addict, I often feel lost and confused. I don't know what decisions to make, I "wander around aimlessly" through life because I struggle with taking action with almost everything. 

I struggle with reaching out for help. I don't want to seem pathetic or needy. I feel like my problems don't warrant that kind of help or attention from others and that I should just figure it out or deal with it. Which never works out. 

I have major trust issues with men. I have been betrayed by my father, and then my husband. My mind equates this to mean that all men are untrustworthy. I think this comes out in my dream as always feeling chased by some unknown man and his intentions are not clear. This is how I feel about my husband. I constantly question his motives and feel like I will never really know when he is sincere, or what he really wants. This is a result of all the lies. All the times he held me and comforted me and promised he would take care of me, and looked me in the eyes and said there was nothing to worry about when I said "Do you still have a problem with porn?". He was so convincing. 

The other night I talked to my husband about this and told him how traumatizing it was that he could do that so convincingly. He said it was a terrible thing to do. That he was a coward. Too afraid to tell me the truth and that he protected himself instead of protecting me. He said he was oily, slimy, and filthy and he was sorry for doing it. 

I want to believe he is sincere, but again, my mind swirls with thoughts of "well I believed him last time he talked to me like this", and "he just knows all the right things to say now because we've talked about it so much". 

I don't like these dreams. I wish they would go away. What I really want is to recover from the pain, trauma, unhealthy ways of coping with life, and to be able to live a life full of purpose and happiness. I don't want to be the agoraphobic old cat lady who tells you about all the adventures she would have had if she hadn't always been so afraid.  

I want to believe that through the atonement, working recovery, growing my support network, working the steps, being accountable to my sponsor, and practicing vulnerability will heal my life, and heal my dreams. I want to dance again. Sing without worrying who is listening. Take my kids out to the park instead of staying home because heaven forbid I should forget to bring snacks and we will all die of hunger and thirst. Holy anxiety. 

So this week I think I will take my kids to the park. The weather has been nice, and we are moving to a new state soon so we all need a break from the fear and stress of moving. I just hope we don't run into any weirdos lurking in the shadows. Especially not any crazy men in tutus. 

To Trust or Not To Trust

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As I sat in my bishops office at BYU with my husband, after learning of his pornography addiction a year or so into our marriage, there was one thing he said to me that I have never been able to forget. 

He had just talked about all the things my husband needed to do to achieve sobriety, gave him a sheet to help him recognize when he was more vulnerable to weakness, and educated us on addiction. He was a wonderful bishop, kind, loving, but also encouraging us to do our best. He used what limited resources he had on addiction at that time and really cared about us. 

Unfortunately, there were a few things he didn't know at the time, and that was evident in what he said to me at that time. 

"You need to trust him."

On that day, I nodded my head, but inside I felt angry. Hurt. Confused. I didn't even fully recognize that I disagreed. I think I believed he was right, and that was something God was asking of me (as if forgiving him meant I would need to trust him) and so I didn't want to admit that I wasn't going to trust him. Because then I would be admitting what a sinner I was! 

Fast forward to the present, almost a decade later, and I have a much better understanding of trust. 

Trust is earned. 

Trust is not given freely to those who have broken it. 

I cannot rebuild the trust in our relationship. 

I believe that as part of my healing, I need to learn how to trust. I need to work my recovery, develop healthier ways of coping with stress and heartache, and acknowledge and honor how I am feeling. 

I've been reading "Beyond Boundaries" by John Townsend and he explains this perfectly!

From "Beyond Boundaries" by John Townsend when talking about trust:

"Hurt and mistrust are nothing more than signals. They tell you that you either have some healing to do, or the other person has some changing to do -- or both. It's important to remember both sides of the equation, the "you" side and the "other person" side. If you don't heal...you won't ever be able to trust anyone.

When the trust muscle is torn, it won't operate -- no matter how safe or right the other person is. If the other person isn't trustworthy, your trust can direct you into some blind alleys. So, while monitoring if you are learning to trust again, also monitor how the other person is doing in the arena that caused a break in trust in the first place."

A Pool of Muck

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I wake up in a pool of muck. 

I'm up to my waist in it. 

I try to come to my senses, and I feel bombarded. It smells putrid, it feels slimy, it covers my arms, my hair, it's slathered on my face. Once I take in my surroundings, I remember how I got here. 

My husband brought me to the muck, and asked me to help him wade through it. 

I look around, where is he? I remember that we had been digging through the muck together, looking for something precious that we lost. I can't remember what it is, but it is something I miss. I want it back. I think I NEED it. But I realize I'm looking alone. 

Wait. Why am I looking alone? I realize my husband was the one who lost it. On a day with a heartbreaking new beginning one year ago, I found out he had thrown it in the muck. "Why did you throw it in there?!?!?!". -enter addiction- He asked if I would help him find it. "Stay with me, please. Join me in the muck. We'll find it together."

I reluctantly agreed. 

Pretty soon though, I noticed something that bothered me. I had been expecting him to jump in the muck first, to lead the way. He lost it after all, shouldn't he be the one responsible for finding it?

But that isn't how it all went down. Somehow I ended up jumping in the muck, convincing him to jump in too, and help me look for the precious(gollum reference, sorry, hope it's not ruining the mood here). 

I was the one doing the heavy lifting. I didn't really like it, and found myself wondering why I was doing it in the first place. Maybe finding this precious thing wasn't worth all of this. It certainly didn't feel like it was worth it if he wasn't even willing to look with me. 

Sometimes I'd be wading through and he'd be right there with me, digging and digging. Sometimes he'd stand in it, but pretend he wasn't surrounded in filth, and couldn't understand why I was so upset about it. Other times he wouldn't even be in the pit, he'd be off doing something else and leave me in it, all alone. 

Then one day I decided I didn't have to stay in the pit. If he wasn't going to look, I wasn't going to look either. I had other needs to take care of. I had children to feed, a house to clean, happiness to find. I still really really wanted to have the precious back. I knew it meant so much to me. But I needed to know he was willing to find the precious himself. I couldn't look with him until I felt secure in his commitment to finding it. 

So I left the pit. I got out, wiped off the muck, and did my best to wash it off. Bits of it still stick to me, but I'm okay with that for now. I know it will take time to rid myself of the muck. 

He didn't react well to me leaving the pit. 

"Where did you go? Why aren't you helping me? I've been working so hard to wade through the muck and find the precious but it's never good enough for you. You are giving up on me even though I've been trying so hard."

It was hard not to go back and wade through the muck(it still is). It is hard not to feel guilty for leaving him there by himself. But I didn't throw the precious in there, And I can still choose to help him find it if I want to. But I can also choose not to help him. I am not a bad person for wanting to stay out of the muck. 

So for now I am letting him look by himself. Hopefully he will look hard. But that is his choice and I can't choose it for him. 

So I'm staying out of the muck for now, and maybe I'll want to help him tomorrow, or maybe I never will. 

But I know one thing for sure, if I ever want to help him look in the muck, I'll use a fishing pole first instead of jumping right in. 

Stand for the right

The hubs came home today seeking empathy. Empathy I was unable to give. 

He's been looking for a new job lately. One that doesn't require him to be states away working for months out of the year(the next scheduled trip is 3 months long!). He doesn't like his job anymore. I don't like his job. 

It doesn't help that when he would stay away on those work trips he would sit in the hotel room at night and watch porn on cable(which we've never had). 

It doesn't help that on those trips he works with filthy men who drink, go to strip clubs, and many have wives and girlfriends at home. And these same men talk about all the local "massage" parlors they will visit when they get home. 

And it doesn't help that they talk about it at work and tell obscene jokes on a regular basis. 

But what is really bothering me right now, what I really can't be empathetic about, is my husbands lack of action when he is surrounded by the filth. Even if that action was praying for help, asking others what they would do, something! Just not acceptance.

On his last trip away, we would check in and he'd tell me about another day of trying to avoid overhearing about their "escapades". He would try and leave if it was a conversation he was overhearing, or put on headphones, and every once in a while change the subject. But he has never made his beliefs known. Or complained to HR. And if they specifically tell a joke to him, he has always stayed and listened, or even laughed(which he feels guilty about later) because he is afraid of what they'll think of him. 

So when he came home today talking about how his boss was the one telling a joke about homosexuality, he wanted empathy for having to deal with that. 

I know it is hard to stand up to others. I know in the moment you panic and say or do things you aren't proud of. But my trauma? She doesn't really care. 

She only knows the searing pain of having a husband with a porn addiction who lied to her for years. 

She knows that her husband will sit and listen to verbal porn and expects her to just accept it because it would be too hard to say something, do something. 

And she knows that she feels unsafe. That he isn't safe. Because if he doesn't have the strength to say "hey man, I'm not into that stuff', then will he really resist the pressure to join those men on their hooker binges? (A little strong, I know, but valid.)

Last time we went through this I fell apart. I needed him to see why this hurt. Needed him to do something to spare me this pain. 

Today I feel strength. Today, I journal it all out like crazy, I reach out to my WoPA friends. I briefly let him know that it isn't okay with me, and I will detach for my own safety and sanity. Then I (do my best) to surrender it, and start making plans for how to handle the next trip(babysitters, housecleaner once in a while) he is on instead of insisting to myself that I can do it all alone. 

So I am "standing for the right" for me. Regardless of whether he can. 

And I may or may not have left the lyrics to this primary song up on the computer before he used it today. 

Our prophet has some words for you,

And these are the words:

"Be true, be true."

At work or at play,

In darkness or light,

Be true, be true,

And stand for the right.