A letter to myself

I felt inspired to write this letter after watching a few other women read their stories on the LDS ARP website. You can find those videos here.

Dear Sway,

I am so sorry for the pain you are in right now. That is probably the most inadequate sentence I have ever written. There are truly no words to describe the hell you are going through right now. 

There are a few things I want you to know. First of all, you are going to be okay. I know you probably want to punch me for saying that, but it's true. I know because I am you. There will be many, many times that it will feel like your world is ending, but there will also be times of great strength and empowerment. 

You will receive blessings that confirm the truth that your Father in heaven knows and loves you. Personally. He is aware of your struggle and He is watching over you every step of the way. Even on the days when you feel hopelessly alone. 

You will also become so much more than you have ever been. This is a life changing moment. From this moment on you will never be the same, and there will come a day when that fact will bring tears to your eyes, and joy to your heart. 

Remember how you felt incomplete? Remember how you wondered if this was all there was to life? The moments where you prayed and asked Heavenly Father to help you move forward? To strengthen your testimony? This is the start of that new beginning. I know, what a terrible way to find the answers to those questions. It's okay to be angry. Really angry. You will be so angry that you won't know what to do. You will want to claw off your skin, destroy EVERYTHING. It's okay. You will learn how to honor those feelings, let it flow through you, and find peace again. 

Now is not the time to be hard on yourself. You do not need to take on the responsibility of "helping" your husband find recovery. That is his responsibility. I know you won't know how to let go. It's okay. Make mistakes and learn from them. It will take time to let go. In the meantime, forgive yourself when you just can't pull away. It's a process, and everyday you are taking another step towards healing. You will get there. Don't rush it or expect it to work on your timetable. You will get there when you are meant to. 

One of the most important things you need to do is start reaching out to others. Sit and ponder who to open up to. The more people you can call on the better. Every time you reach out and share your story you will become stronger, more confident in your ability to get through this. I know it is scary but once you build up your support network with women who know and even women who don't, you will feel the strength and support of your sisters standing with you. They are warriors just like you. Trust them with your fears and your hopes. 

Find 12 step meetings and attend when you can. Work the steps. They will be like an anchor, keeping you from drifting off into crazy town. Find a sponsor. Reach out to her often. Journal. When you feel like wringing your husbands neck, get out your journal and spew words out onto the page. Write until you can't write anymore. 

Treat yourself with kindness. Really. Take care of yourself. Go to sleep instead of writing that email pleading with your husband to care about you. You don't need him to take care of you anymore. You are going to do that for yourself just fine. Speak to yourself how you would talk to yourself as a little girl. Cherish that little girl in you. She has been through fire, and she has done amazing things. She did the best with what she had, and she has goodness in her heart. She has a great desire to do more, be more. She needs you to protect her and tell her she is enough. 

There is so much more I want to say. I wish I could be with you through this. I wish I could make you believe all the things that you will refuse to accept right now. But I trust you. I know you will find your way. You are capable of so much. You will find your power. When you are at your lowest, you will fall on your knees and pray to know what to do. And He will answer you. He will show you the way. You are not alone. We are going to make it Sway. Life will be beautiful again. Hang on. Miracles are on their way. 

Love, Sway