Save the Drama For Your Mama

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Hi. My name is Sway and I am a persecutor. (...Hi Sway....)

The phone rings, my husband answers. He just got out of a meeting and he is headed to run some errands and then get dinner. 
I respond with passive agressive comments about him not saying when he will get back to his room.(He's out of town for work right now.)
He explains when he will get back to his room.
I question what he will do once he gets there. 
He tells me. 
I berate him for not planning on doing the things I think he should be doing. 
Then I cry. I accuse. I attack. I persecute. I play the victim.

sigh. 

I remember learning about the drama triangle in college. Back when I knew everything and was pretty sure that I was going to be the perfect mother, with a perfect home, with a perfect husband. 

Yeah. 

Now I play at least 2 if not all 3 roles in the drama triangle on a regular basis. 

I make deals with myself that I will be perfect tomorrow. (Why can't my heart convince my mind that this isn't going to happen?!?! )

I will be the model WoPA(whatever that is). 

I will have it all under control by sheer willpower(hmmm, sounds like someone I know....)

I am firmly planted in the drama triangle. 

My heart tells me I need to accept and love myself where I am right now, in this very moment. Not tomorrow(when I'll be perfect), today. I need to dig deep, and see where this need to persecute is coming from. 

Today it is because my husband isn't safe, I'm traumatized, I'm scared. He's hundreds of miles away, and so busy that he is ignoring boundaries all over the place. We have a lot going on right now. But that isn't REALLY what is going on. 

The real issue is that I need space to heal, and I'm not allowing myself to have that space. I continue to try and connect with my husband, and then blame him for not providing me with the safety I need. 

The truth is, he could doing everything right and I still wouldn't feel safe with him. I don't trust him. 

I am not allowing myself to have space because my mind tells me I'm not worthy of it. All of the lies I tell myself of why I should be stronger, should be better, should be....whatever. 

I should have known better than to should myself. (See what I did there?)

Once I allowed myself to stop and listen to my heart, where that little girl inside me was pleading "Please Sway, please let me take a break. Let me find inner peace and happiness away from all this turmoil. Can you do it for me please?", I realized I had been ignoring her. I had been telling her to tough it out and start acting like she was fine because that's what I expected of her. That's what everyone was expecting of her. Why did she keep losing control? Why couldn't she just try harder and keep her cool?

The expectations I was setting on myself were causing me pain. The things I tell myself sound like: "your husband isn't relapsing(that I know of) so stop acting so pathetic" and "he is trying so even if he is still getting a lot of things wrong you have no reason to ask him for space right now" and harder yet to let go of "You need him to talk to. You need to hear that he loves you and needs you and that he will do everything he can to make things better.".  I was just so lonely that I was desperate for him to be there for me. I needed connection so badly. And I really wanted that connection to be with my him. My love.(blech. here comes the bile.) 
Seriously though, I want to have the peace and happiness in my relationship that all of us should be able to experience. And there is nothing wrong with really missing that. But that is something that I simply cannot have right now. It isn't available to me. So I pick myself up off the floor, figure out my game plan, and take action to put it in place. I need to work on my healing. I need to be less involved in my husbands life and recovery right now. 

As I listen to my inner voice, and I place value and priority on what she is telling me she needs, then she feels heard. She relaxes. The tension starts to float away. Her burden is still firmly placed on her shoulders; that pain will take time to release. But she is no longer fighting for what she needs. She is able to surrender into the peace and as she does she softly whispers "Thank you Sway. Thank you for listening to me today. Thank you for showing me love.". I hope I always remember to listen to her and do everything I can to give her what she needs. I love her. I love me.