The Devil in a Tutu

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I have been having a recurring dream that leaves me feeling scared, depressed, and uneasy. It comes in many different forms, but last night it included Jim Carrey in a tutu. 

The general format is this:

I am walking around in an unfamiliar place which is usually a college campus, or a mall, etc. I always feel like I'm in a labyrinth. 

I am trying to get somewhere but I have no idea where I'm even trying to get to. I feel like I've been walking for hours and hours and I've been through many rooms, buildings, spaces, and they are never the same. 

There are usually people around but no one is interested in helping me. Actually, I don't think I ever ask for help. Which is strange because in these dreams I always feel scared, panicky, and anxious that I'm going to be late to something important. 

At some point in the dream, I start to realize that I'm not only trying to reach a destination, I am trying to avoid or get away from someone. 

In my dreams I don't usually know who I'm trying to get away from, although last night it was Jim Carrey from that Pet Detective movie as shown in the picture above. (My mind has to include something humorous at some point since comedy is how I make it through life. Although in my dream he was not funny.)

My dream usually ends when I make it out of the "labyrinth" but I don't feel relief. Usually at that point there is some sort of confrontation with the unknown person who is coming after me, and I wake up in the middle of it. No closure or resolution. No happy ending. Just left hanging on the edge of fear. 

Last night it ended with Jim Carrey running after me as I got in my car, and he ended up on my windshield with a crazy look in his eyes as I tried to swerve left and right to shake him off. This sounds pretty funny now that I'm typing it out but last night I was terrified. My heart raced as I ran to get in my car in a dark parking lot with him running after me. My blood froze because I felt like his intentions were sinister. He was going to hurt me, beat me, rape me, I don't know. But I was afraid that he would leave me broken. 

Writing this out, I feel like there is no way to convey the sheer terror I feel when I'm dreaming. And maybe this will just seem weird or funny to you. But I think this story is a parallel to my life right now. 

In life, and in life with a sex addict, I often feel lost and confused. I don't know what decisions to make, I "wander around aimlessly" through life because I struggle with taking action with almost everything. 

I struggle with reaching out for help. I don't want to seem pathetic or needy. I feel like my problems don't warrant that kind of help or attention from others and that I should just figure it out or deal with it. Which never works out. 

I have major trust issues with men. I have been betrayed by my father, and then my husband. My mind equates this to mean that all men are untrustworthy. I think this comes out in my dream as always feeling chased by some unknown man and his intentions are not clear. This is how I feel about my husband. I constantly question his motives and feel like I will never really know when he is sincere, or what he really wants. This is a result of all the lies. All the times he held me and comforted me and promised he would take care of me, and looked me in the eyes and said there was nothing to worry about when I said "Do you still have a problem with porn?". He was so convincing. 

The other night I talked to my husband about this and told him how traumatizing it was that he could do that so convincingly. He said it was a terrible thing to do. That he was a coward. Too afraid to tell me the truth and that he protected himself instead of protecting me. He said he was oily, slimy, and filthy and he was sorry for doing it. 

I want to believe he is sincere, but again, my mind swirls with thoughts of "well I believed him last time he talked to me like this", and "he just knows all the right things to say now because we've talked about it so much". 

I don't like these dreams. I wish they would go away. What I really want is to recover from the pain, trauma, unhealthy ways of coping with life, and to be able to live a life full of purpose and happiness. I don't want to be the agoraphobic old cat lady who tells you about all the adventures she would have had if she hadn't always been so afraid.  

I want to believe that through the atonement, working recovery, growing my support network, working the steps, being accountable to my sponsor, and practicing vulnerability will heal my life, and heal my dreams. I want to dance again. Sing without worrying who is listening. Take my kids out to the park instead of staying home because heaven forbid I should forget to bring snacks and we will all die of hunger and thirst. Holy anxiety. 

So this week I think I will take my kids to the park. The weather has been nice, and we are moving to a new state soon so we all need a break from the fear and stress of moving. I just hope we don't run into any weirdos lurking in the shadows. Especially not any crazy men in tutus.