To Trust or Not To Trust

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As I sat in my bishops office at BYU with my husband, after learning of his pornography addiction a year or so into our marriage, there was one thing he said to me that I have never been able to forget. 

He had just talked about all the things my husband needed to do to achieve sobriety, gave him a sheet to help him recognize when he was more vulnerable to weakness, and educated us on addiction. He was a wonderful bishop, kind, loving, but also encouraging us to do our best. He used what limited resources he had on addiction at that time and really cared about us. 

Unfortunately, there were a few things he didn't know at the time, and that was evident in what he said to me at that time. 

"You need to trust him."

On that day, I nodded my head, but inside I felt angry. Hurt. Confused. I didn't even fully recognize that I disagreed. I think I believed he was right, and that was something God was asking of me (as if forgiving him meant I would need to trust him) and so I didn't want to admit that I wasn't going to trust him. Because then I would be admitting what a sinner I was! 

Fast forward to the present, almost a decade later, and I have a much better understanding of trust. 

Trust is earned. 

Trust is not given freely to those who have broken it. 

I cannot rebuild the trust in our relationship. 

I believe that as part of my healing, I need to learn how to trust. I need to work my recovery, develop healthier ways of coping with stress and heartache, and acknowledge and honor how I am feeling. 

I've been reading "Beyond Boundaries" by John Townsend and he explains this perfectly!

From "Beyond Boundaries" by John Townsend when talking about trust:

"Hurt and mistrust are nothing more than signals. They tell you that you either have some healing to do, or the other person has some changing to do -- or both. It's important to remember both sides of the equation, the "you" side and the "other person" side. If you don't heal...you won't ever be able to trust anyone.

When the trust muscle is torn, it won't operate -- no matter how safe or right the other person is. If the other person isn't trustworthy, your trust can direct you into some blind alleys. So, while monitoring if you are learning to trust again, also monitor how the other person is doing in the arena that caused a break in trust in the first place."