What's there to think about?

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Life has felt like a roller coaster lately. More specifically, my marriage has felt like a roller coaster lately. Normally I like roller coasters. But not this one. I'm ready to get off this roller coaster. After the 1,245,689 time around the track things get old. Not such a good time anymore. 

One minute the roller coaster is up and there are acts of devotion, warm fuzzies abound, and declarations of a firm resolve to stay committed to spending the rest of his life proving he wants to repair the damage done. 

Then the roller coaster plummets, and we're back to selfishness, entitlement, and indignation. The firm resolve crumbles(or maybe it was never really a firm resolve in the first place?) and he's back to talking about his "rights" and what he thinks my recovery should look like.
When the coaster is up he says "I have hurt you and will do whatever you need to feel safe". 

When the coaster is down I ask him to sleep on the couch and he replies with "I will have to think about it". 

Which leads me to my question, "what's there to think about?"

I have been wounded. I have been hurt. When you betray someone you love, and you are able to offer them safety and peace, there isn't anything to think about. You give it to them. Freely. 

I am able to see what I need more clearly now, and ask for it. I have also learned that my boundaries are so important for my sanity. 

So if I ask him to sleep on the couch and he needs to think about it, or he says no, I might still get upset, but I don't need to beg or plead with him to understand why I need this. I will go and sleep on the couch myself(so far I haven't had to). I don't need him to agree or give me safety.

I'll go find my own dang safety. And spend some time thinking about what my next step will be. Because I won't live like this forever. I am going to take care of Sway. She is patient, kind, forgiving, and loving. But she isn't a pushover. She won't be walked all over and just accept that such is life. 

So pray hard Sway. Pray to know God's will. Pray for God to show you when it is time to endure, and for the strength to do it. But also pray to know when enough is enough, and to have the strength to walk away from that roller coaster if that day ever comes.