Lady Shame

Lady Shame

There is a woman in my head.  I think she was always there, lurking. Waiting for me to be ready for her. Ready to breathe in her poison. She was patient, she knew a day like this would come.

A day when I would be broken enough to eat up her lies. To cling to them, like the monkey with it's hand caught in a trap. I want to let go, I can't. I want to be rid of her, but she doesn't want to leave.

When I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, there she is, taunting me. Her silky voice feeding me the words I know will slice me open. The words I tell her not to say.

"Tsk, Tsk, Tsk,... look at you. What a sight you are! What man wouldn't want to wake up to that in the morning?!"

She laughs. She knows what hurts. She knows just where to put the knife. And how to twist it.

She's there when we venture out for a fun day with the kids. A fitness group just happens to make their rounds and stop to stretch right in front of us. My stomach drops. We were having fun. I had forgotten...if only for a brief moment. But now the momentary freedom from this nightmare is over. Back to reality, and with it, here she comes.

"Oh look! Women who are actually taking care of themselves! Oooooh... I bet your husband is wishing he could be so lucky...They definitely don't have stretch marks. Or that mommy tummy pooch.  Too bad that part of your life is over, you'll never get that back! I guess it makes sense that you don't even try....Hey, remember how you used to think he didn't even bat an eye if something like this would happen? Remember(she is laughing almost uncontrollably now) how you honestly believed him when he said you were the only one? He was immune to everyone else, because he only had eyes for you? How could you really have been that naive? If that isn't pathetic, I don't know what is."

If I wasn't in public, and if I wasn't afraid of scaring my children, I'd probably be holding my head screaming at her to stop. I don't want to hear it. I can't. I can't hear anymore.

But she doesn't care. She just likes to remind me all the time of how I should fear everything. And how little security I have.

I don't know what she calls herself. I don't care enough to ask.

But I know what I call her.

I call her Lady Shame.