Remember how I talked about the roller coaster here?
Well right now we are at the top of the coaster. Things are good, really good. I am just enjoying it and living in the moment(thanks to a lovely friend makemyburdenlight suggesting it).
This is the point where I would give a big sigh of relief and say to myself "whew.....we made it". He has seen the light. I've always wanted to attend one of those churches, the kind with a pastor who yells and proclaims and shouts hallelujah's from the pulpit. It is in this precise moment when I would hear that voice in my head shouting for joy, "Hallelujah! He has seen the LIGHT!".
I always thought once he seemed to understand something important, no, VITAL, to our recovery as a couple that everything would be better. Still difficult mind you, I mean, there was no ignoring that triggers for either of us, whether the pain of him still struggling with lust, or me remembering past betrayals. But I thought that if we were a team, united, then the hard part was behind us.
But then the roller coaster would plummet and everything would be tossed upside down again.
So today I am using a different approach.
I don't assume this is the last time. I don't even expect it is. And that my friends, is so freeing. Life changing! Because then I am not controlled by what he does or doesn't do.
Does that mean it won't hurt if/when he loses empathy? No.
Does that mean I don't hope like heck that this is the last time we go through this roller coaster? No.
I still hope for change that lasts. I still pray for it, but I don't base all my happiness on whether it lasts or not.
I am Cautiously Optimistic. I hope we can remain a team through all the future challenges. I hope he will remember how to hold my pain, how to listen to me, and not just try to "fix" the problem.
But I don't expect that the change will last. And I continue to prepare and work my recovery so that when that roller coaster plummets I am ready. So it doesn't drop out of nowhere while I scramble to put on my seat belt.
This is where boundaries come in. This is where self care comes in. This is why I have my support network in place, with women who I can call, text, vox, email, telegram....when I need them. Which is most of the time when I am awake.
I am reminded that my husband is not God. I love his support, love, and understanding. But I am learning not to need it. Because I can't hand over control of my happiness to someone who is human and makes mistakes. I trust my life with God, who knows all, sees all, understands all. He alone has the power to provide me with complete safety.
I want my husband to find true recovery. I want these changes in him to last. I take each day with him on my side as a gift. An opportunity to breathe. Take lots of hot baths while he watches the kids. Let him buy my favorite treats, and vent all the pain and fear and hurt I am feeling while he is able to listen. I find happiness in this day, as it is, and try not to look back on how pissed I would be if I read this after d day 14 months ago. (Seriously, I would be majorly pissed)
So thank you my friends for reading. Thanks for giving me a space where I can be heard. Where I am allowed to learn and grow and accept myself. I needed it.
