Save the Drama For Your Mama

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Hi. My name is Sway and I am a persecutor. (...Hi Sway....)

The phone rings, my husband answers. He just got out of a meeting and he is headed to run some errands and then get dinner. 
I respond with passive agressive comments about him not saying when he will get back to his room.(He's out of town for work right now.)
He explains when he will get back to his room.
I question what he will do once he gets there. 
He tells me. 
I berate him for not planning on doing the things I think he should be doing. 
Then I cry. I accuse. I attack. I persecute. I play the victim.

sigh. 

I remember learning about the drama triangle in college. Back when I knew everything and was pretty sure that I was going to be the perfect mother, with a perfect home, with a perfect husband. 

Yeah. 

Now I play at least 2 if not all 3 roles in the drama triangle on a regular basis. 

I make deals with myself that I will be perfect tomorrow. (Why can't my heart convince my mind that this isn't going to happen?!?! )

I will be the model WoPA(whatever that is). 

I will have it all under control by sheer willpower(hmmm, sounds like someone I know....)

I am firmly planted in the drama triangle. 

My heart tells me I need to accept and love myself where I am right now, in this very moment. Not tomorrow(when I'll be perfect), today. I need to dig deep, and see where this need to persecute is coming from. 

Today it is because my husband isn't safe, I'm traumatized, I'm scared. He's hundreds of miles away, and so busy that he is ignoring boundaries all over the place. We have a lot going on right now. But that isn't REALLY what is going on. 

The real issue is that I need space to heal, and I'm not allowing myself to have that space. I continue to try and connect with my husband, and then blame him for not providing me with the safety I need. 

The truth is, he could doing everything right and I still wouldn't feel safe with him. I don't trust him. 

I am not allowing myself to have space because my mind tells me I'm not worthy of it. All of the lies I tell myself of why I should be stronger, should be better, should be....whatever. 

I should have known better than to should myself. (See what I did there?)

Once I allowed myself to stop and listen to my heart, where that little girl inside me was pleading "Please Sway, please let me take a break. Let me find inner peace and happiness away from all this turmoil. Can you do it for me please?", I realized I had been ignoring her. I had been telling her to tough it out and start acting like she was fine because that's what I expected of her. That's what everyone was expecting of her. Why did she keep losing control? Why couldn't she just try harder and keep her cool?

The expectations I was setting on myself were causing me pain. The things I tell myself sound like: "your husband isn't relapsing(that I know of) so stop acting so pathetic" and "he is trying so even if he is still getting a lot of things wrong you have no reason to ask him for space right now" and harder yet to let go of "You need him to talk to. You need to hear that he loves you and needs you and that he will do everything he can to make things better.".  I was just so lonely that I was desperate for him to be there for me. I needed connection so badly. And I really wanted that connection to be with my him. My love.(blech. here comes the bile.) 
Seriously though, I want to have the peace and happiness in my relationship that all of us should be able to experience. And there is nothing wrong with really missing that. But that is something that I simply cannot have right now. It isn't available to me. So I pick myself up off the floor, figure out my game plan, and take action to put it in place. I need to work on my healing. I need to be less involved in my husbands life and recovery right now. 

As I listen to my inner voice, and I place value and priority on what she is telling me she needs, then she feels heard. She relaxes. The tension starts to float away. Her burden is still firmly placed on her shoulders; that pain will take time to release. But she is no longer fighting for what she needs. She is able to surrender into the peace and as she does she softly whispers "Thank you Sway. Thank you for listening to me today. Thank you for showing me love.". I hope I always remember to listen to her and do everything I can to give her what she needs. I love her. I love me.  

You feelin' strong my friend?

Feeling good with some strength today. A boundary has been broken. Now I'm getting past the painful part of that initial detachment. When space is much needed, it always feels like climbing over a barbed wire fence. I'm bloody and desperate to get on the other side, and it hurts. But once I'm over, and my wounds have been properly tended to by reaching out to WONDERFUL friends(most of whom I have never met in person), the peace sets in. Then the hysterical happiness seizes my heart and I feel a burst of strength. 

I run through the meadows like a crazy person who has escaped from an asylum, "I'm free, I'm free!!!!!".

So today I'm feeling strong. Loving this song by Ingrid Michaelson.

"Afterlife"

When the world is breaking down around you
Taking everything that you know
What you didn't know
Is that we can go forever if we want to
We can live inside of a moment
The one that we own

You and me we got this
You and me we're beautiful, beautiful

We all, we all, we're gonna be alright
We got, we got, we always got the fight in us
We all, we all, we're gonna live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow 'cause we're the afterlife

Living like you're dying isn't living at all
Give me your cold hands put them on my heart
Raise a glass to everyone who thinks
They'll never make it through this life
To live a brand-new start

You and me we got this
You and me we're beautiful, beautiful

We all, we all, we're gonna be alright
We got, we got, we always got the fight in us
We all, we all, we're gonna live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow 'cause we're the afterlife
'Cause we're the afterlife
'Cause we're the afterlife

Every time I close my eyes I hear your favorite song
Telling me not to run, not to worry anymore
I can hold on tight to nothing better than the rest
So it's now or never more

We all, we all, we're gonna be alright
We got the fight in us
We all, we all, we're gonna live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow 'cause we're the afterlife

We all, we all, we're gonna be alright
We got, we got, we always got the fight in us
We all, we all, we're gonna live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow 'cause we're the afterlife
'Cause we're the afterlife
'Cause we're the afterlife

We all, we all, we're gonna be alright
We got, we got, we always got the fight in us
We all, we all, we're gonna live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow 'cause we're the afterlife

The Devil in a Tutu

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I have been having a recurring dream that leaves me feeling scared, depressed, and uneasy. It comes in many different forms, but last night it included Jim Carrey in a tutu. 

The general format is this:

I am walking around in an unfamiliar place which is usually a college campus, or a mall, etc. I always feel like I'm in a labyrinth. 

I am trying to get somewhere but I have no idea where I'm even trying to get to. I feel like I've been walking for hours and hours and I've been through many rooms, buildings, spaces, and they are never the same. 

There are usually people around but no one is interested in helping me. Actually, I don't think I ever ask for help. Which is strange because in these dreams I always feel scared, panicky, and anxious that I'm going to be late to something important. 

At some point in the dream, I start to realize that I'm not only trying to reach a destination, I am trying to avoid or get away from someone. 

In my dreams I don't usually know who I'm trying to get away from, although last night it was Jim Carrey from that Pet Detective movie as shown in the picture above. (My mind has to include something humorous at some point since comedy is how I make it through life. Although in my dream he was not funny.)

My dream usually ends when I make it out of the "labyrinth" but I don't feel relief. Usually at that point there is some sort of confrontation with the unknown person who is coming after me, and I wake up in the middle of it. No closure or resolution. No happy ending. Just left hanging on the edge of fear. 

Last night it ended with Jim Carrey running after me as I got in my car, and he ended up on my windshield with a crazy look in his eyes as I tried to swerve left and right to shake him off. This sounds pretty funny now that I'm typing it out but last night I was terrified. My heart raced as I ran to get in my car in a dark parking lot with him running after me. My blood froze because I felt like his intentions were sinister. He was going to hurt me, beat me, rape me, I don't know. But I was afraid that he would leave me broken. 

Writing this out, I feel like there is no way to convey the sheer terror I feel when I'm dreaming. And maybe this will just seem weird or funny to you. But I think this story is a parallel to my life right now. 

In life, and in life with a sex addict, I often feel lost and confused. I don't know what decisions to make, I "wander around aimlessly" through life because I struggle with taking action with almost everything. 

I struggle with reaching out for help. I don't want to seem pathetic or needy. I feel like my problems don't warrant that kind of help or attention from others and that I should just figure it out or deal with it. Which never works out. 

I have major trust issues with men. I have been betrayed by my father, and then my husband. My mind equates this to mean that all men are untrustworthy. I think this comes out in my dream as always feeling chased by some unknown man and his intentions are not clear. This is how I feel about my husband. I constantly question his motives and feel like I will never really know when he is sincere, or what he really wants. This is a result of all the lies. All the times he held me and comforted me and promised he would take care of me, and looked me in the eyes and said there was nothing to worry about when I said "Do you still have a problem with porn?". He was so convincing. 

The other night I talked to my husband about this and told him how traumatizing it was that he could do that so convincingly. He said it was a terrible thing to do. That he was a coward. Too afraid to tell me the truth and that he protected himself instead of protecting me. He said he was oily, slimy, and filthy and he was sorry for doing it. 

I want to believe he is sincere, but again, my mind swirls with thoughts of "well I believed him last time he talked to me like this", and "he just knows all the right things to say now because we've talked about it so much". 

I don't like these dreams. I wish they would go away. What I really want is to recover from the pain, trauma, unhealthy ways of coping with life, and to be able to live a life full of purpose and happiness. I don't want to be the agoraphobic old cat lady who tells you about all the adventures she would have had if she hadn't always been so afraid.  

I want to believe that through the atonement, working recovery, growing my support network, working the steps, being accountable to my sponsor, and practicing vulnerability will heal my life, and heal my dreams. I want to dance again. Sing without worrying who is listening. Take my kids out to the park instead of staying home because heaven forbid I should forget to bring snacks and we will all die of hunger and thirst. Holy anxiety. 

So this week I think I will take my kids to the park. The weather has been nice, and we are moving to a new state soon so we all need a break from the fear and stress of moving. I just hope we don't run into any weirdos lurking in the shadows. Especially not any crazy men in tutus. 

To Trust or Not To Trust

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As I sat in my bishops office at BYU with my husband, after learning of his pornography addiction a year or so into our marriage, there was one thing he said to me that I have never been able to forget. 

He had just talked about all the things my husband needed to do to achieve sobriety, gave him a sheet to help him recognize when he was more vulnerable to weakness, and educated us on addiction. He was a wonderful bishop, kind, loving, but also encouraging us to do our best. He used what limited resources he had on addiction at that time and really cared about us. 

Unfortunately, there were a few things he didn't know at the time, and that was evident in what he said to me at that time. 

"You need to trust him."

On that day, I nodded my head, but inside I felt angry. Hurt. Confused. I didn't even fully recognize that I disagreed. I think I believed he was right, and that was something God was asking of me (as if forgiving him meant I would need to trust him) and so I didn't want to admit that I wasn't going to trust him. Because then I would be admitting what a sinner I was! 

Fast forward to the present, almost a decade later, and I have a much better understanding of trust. 

Trust is earned. 

Trust is not given freely to those who have broken it. 

I cannot rebuild the trust in our relationship. 

I believe that as part of my healing, I need to learn how to trust. I need to work my recovery, develop healthier ways of coping with stress and heartache, and acknowledge and honor how I am feeling. 

I've been reading "Beyond Boundaries" by John Townsend and he explains this perfectly!

From "Beyond Boundaries" by John Townsend when talking about trust:

"Hurt and mistrust are nothing more than signals. They tell you that you either have some healing to do, or the other person has some changing to do -- or both. It's important to remember both sides of the equation, the "you" side and the "other person" side. If you don't heal...you won't ever be able to trust anyone.

When the trust muscle is torn, it won't operate -- no matter how safe or right the other person is. If the other person isn't trustworthy, your trust can direct you into some blind alleys. So, while monitoring if you are learning to trust again, also monitor how the other person is doing in the arena that caused a break in trust in the first place."