Winds of Change

My last post was about how we were doing so much better. Well...things have changed. We are separated, living in different states, and my kids and I are staying with family. We have a polygraph scheduled for 2 weeks from now, and we haven't even started disclosure yet. There have been too many unknowns, secrets, gut pangs, whatever you want to call it. Something is just not right.

My husband says he has been sober for over a year, is in "good recovery", goes to a few recovery meetings a week, works the steps, has a sponsor, and a sponsee, and yet.....I can't get far enough away from him. My creepy guy detector has become deafening.  Not that my senses are the only thing telling me something is wrong. I don't know if my husband is still looking at porn, but at the very least he is a dry drunk still stuck in the addiction cycle of blame, defensiveness, shame....

Case in point, my hubs has maintained he has never lusted after a woman in "real life" meaning a woman not on a screen, page, etc. This has been a battle between us for over a year. I don't believe him, and I am upset, he is upset that I don't believe him, and on and on.
So the polygraph gets scheduled and guess what? Within a few days I get a text..."I just remembered there was a time that I lusted after a real woman." He just remembered all of a sudden after 15 months saying otherwise and it was an isolated event. Apparently it has only happened one time. How is your creepy guy detector doing? Yeah mine is going off too!

There have been so many things I have asked him to disclose  to me, only to find out later, from my own checking, that he wasn't, and when I would ask him about it, there was always an excuse. "I didn't know you wanted to know that." "I don't remember you asking me.....", and on and on.

Where am I going with this? I don't know. I am always looking for validation that I am not insane, but I am also trying to cross a threshold here. A line that says enough is enough. I don't need anyone to tell me that my husband isn't being honest. I keep thinking I do. A counselor, his sponsor, a polygraph, etc. But I really don't. Whether I discover any "proof" of his lies or not, I can feel the spirit telling me that something is wrong. That my marriage is full of holes and gaps, and that unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach means something! And that something isn't just the trauma from betrayal. It is the same feeling I had when I didn't know about his addiction. When I would tell him I felt like something wasn't right, even when I had no clue what that was. And when he would look me in the eyes and tell me he didn't know what that something was.

I am in survival mode. The fear and panic about "what is going on, where am I going to live, what am I going to do????!?!?!" threatens to tear me apart constantly. I am fighting a battle every day to try and keep moving, keep working on my healing but it feels sometimes like trying to build a sand castle when the waves are still coming in and washing it away.

I know I can't stay here, I know I am scared to move back home and live there(I would live there alone with my kids but I have no family for hundreds of miles out there and since we just moved there I don't know anyone in the area.)

I have been making some changes and starting some new things in my life that I am hoping will cause a shift. I am hoping these changes will give me the boost I need to deal with this mess. I am praying that God will give me the strength to make it through. I can't wait around hoping my husband will save our marriage, our family. The storm has rolled in and it is time to get my kids to safety, with or without him. Things need to change. I need to change. And my kids need a change too.

A letter to myself

I felt inspired to write this letter after watching a few other women read their stories on the LDS ARP website. You can find those videos here.

Dear Sway,

I am so sorry for the pain you are in right now. That is probably the most inadequate sentence I have ever written. There are truly no words to describe the hell you are going through right now. 

There are a few things I want you to know. First of all, you are going to be okay. I know you probably want to punch me for saying that, but it's true. I know because I am you. There will be many, many times that it will feel like your world is ending, but there will also be times of great strength and empowerment. 

You will receive blessings that confirm the truth that your Father in heaven knows and loves you. Personally. He is aware of your struggle and He is watching over you every step of the way. Even on the days when you feel hopelessly alone. 

You will also become so much more than you have ever been. This is a life changing moment. From this moment on you will never be the same, and there will come a day when that fact will bring tears to your eyes, and joy to your heart. 

Remember how you felt incomplete? Remember how you wondered if this was all there was to life? The moments where you prayed and asked Heavenly Father to help you move forward? To strengthen your testimony? This is the start of that new beginning. I know, what a terrible way to find the answers to those questions. It's okay to be angry. Really angry. You will be so angry that you won't know what to do. You will want to claw off your skin, destroy EVERYTHING. It's okay. You will learn how to honor those feelings, let it flow through you, and find peace again. 

Now is not the time to be hard on yourself. You do not need to take on the responsibility of "helping" your husband find recovery. That is his responsibility. I know you won't know how to let go. It's okay. Make mistakes and learn from them. It will take time to let go. In the meantime, forgive yourself when you just can't pull away. It's a process, and everyday you are taking another step towards healing. You will get there. Don't rush it or expect it to work on your timetable. You will get there when you are meant to. 

One of the most important things you need to do is start reaching out to others. Sit and ponder who to open up to. The more people you can call on the better. Every time you reach out and share your story you will become stronger, more confident in your ability to get through this. I know it is scary but once you build up your support network with women who know and even women who don't, you will feel the strength and support of your sisters standing with you. They are warriors just like you. Trust them with your fears and your hopes. 

Find 12 step meetings and attend when you can. Work the steps. They will be like an anchor, keeping you from drifting off into crazy town. Find a sponsor. Reach out to her often. Journal. When you feel like wringing your husbands neck, get out your journal and spew words out onto the page. Write until you can't write anymore. 

Treat yourself with kindness. Really. Take care of yourself. Go to sleep instead of writing that email pleading with your husband to care about you. You don't need him to take care of you anymore. You are going to do that for yourself just fine. Speak to yourself how you would talk to yourself as a little girl. Cherish that little girl in you. She has been through fire, and she has done amazing things. She did the best with what she had, and she has goodness in her heart. She has a great desire to do more, be more. She needs you to protect her and tell her she is enough. 

There is so much more I want to say. I wish I could be with you through this. I wish I could make you believe all the things that you will refuse to accept right now. But I trust you. I know you will find your way. You are capable of so much. You will find your power. When you are at your lowest, you will fall on your knees and pray to know what to do. And He will answer you. He will show you the way. You are not alone. We are going to make it Sway. Life will be beautiful again. Hang on. Miracles are on their way. 

Love, Sway

Time Machine

Ingrid Michaelson's "Time Machine"

Feelin' this today. 

Sometimes you just need to be a little (or a lottle) ticked. 

Trigger Happy

I have a confession to make. 

I am trigger happy. 

Now I'm not talking about triggers, such as something that reminds me of the pain of addiction. I'm talking about the kind of gut response that comes from my fight or flight response. Which for me, happens to work very well, perhaps a little too well. 

For example, when first d-day happened long, long ago at the beginning of our marriage, I was so trigger happy I only had to threaten to pull that trigger and it worked so well(or not well, as you will soon see) that I believed our problems with addiction were a thing of the past. 

On that day, trigger happy sounded like this "You can't ever do that again!!! If you do I will leave you! This is not an addiction, this was something you chose over me!!!!!!!". 

So going along with how well that worked, you can read about that under the My Story tab. If you don't want to look that up, I'll fill you in. It didn't work. I may not have known that it was still in fact, an addiction, and that it still definitely would happen again and again, but the only thing my trigger-happiness did was scare my husband enough to hide his addiction from me for years and years. 

To be clear, I didn't make him hide his addiction. That was definitely his choice. But I also didn't get what I wanted by being trigger happy either, since he certainly didn't stop acting out and lying about it. 

So that brings me to today. I now understand that it is an addiction, and I also know that he has to choose recovery, and nothing I do will change that. 

But...

My trigger finger is alive and well. 

Case in point. 

My husband will omit a piece of information. Perhaps intentionally, perhaps not. My first response? "I can't do this anymore!!!!" 

He will check in with me and say he was triggered at church. My reaction? "And you kept it from me until now? I can't stand this. I am so done with this!"

He forgets to take out the trash. (Seriously though, there is a lot of history with this tiny little chore that cannot be brushed aside). "I never mean enough to you, I can't take this anymore!"

On one particularly dreadful night, when he lied to me again, because he was afraid of admitting something, I lost control completely and screamed at him "you need to get on board, or get the hell out!". 

Okay, now give me a second to regroup because that is pretty embarrassing to admit and type out. 

I am still very much trigger happy. When my husband messes up, I almost always fall right back to the doom and gloom attitude of "this will never get better", and I just want to jump ship. The hard thing is that I feel like that isn't the right course, and I feel inspired to stay and continue working on things, but it is really hard when I feel that urgency to run, and run fast when I know it isn't the right thing to do. 

If I know the right thing is to stay and keep working, for my own sanity, I want so desperately to stop revving the engine when the car is in park.