Such a long road...and now I'm saying NOT THIS

I've been MIA for awhile. Looking back I can see that things are not only NOT getting better, they've gotten worse.

I'm looking for work. I'm getting my ducks in a row. I'm taking steps forward.

Hard. Scary as hell. But so so necessary.

A dear friend shared this post the other day. It resonated with me so deeply, so thoroughly, and I know it's time to do what it takes to meet my needs. I'm still terrified. I'm still unsure how to do it. I'm still MAD AS HELL heartbroken that it's come to this.

But when I see little glimpses of a happy Sway, dancing under the moon in all her perfectly imperfect, beautiful, FREE glory, loving her children, fulfilling her dreams, making decisions without someone constantly in her ear TELLING HER NO and trying to control the very air she breathes because they can't stand to face the music on their own....it makes it just a little bit easier. It puts a little more fire in my bones.

I am worth love and respect. I am enough just the way I am. I am ready to seek happiness with God by my side, nudging me on. I know He is with me. I know He wants me to be happy. I know He'll help me find a way.

Cue the southern momma pleading "Lord, give me strength!".

Along for the ride

Freedom

Things were dark for a while there. It was a -ball on the floor-fly into a rage-wish I could crawl out of my skin- kind of week. After another painful attempt at climbing back over the barbed wire fence, I have finally found my groove and am feeling re-centered.

I told my husband I don't want to live this way anymore. We are having another in home separation and I am starting to work on preparing myself to be independent. I don't know how long I will continue to live like this, but I know I'm working towards a way out. I am tired of this cycle. Tired of the dishonesty. The blame. The rationalizations, denial, and selfishness. I am tired of always being the one to bring his behavior to light. I won't be his Savior anymore. I can't be. All my attempts at helping him see his ways have just continued the cycle. 

A helpful(aka enabling) wife does not a recovered man make. 

I am feeling much more peace and serenity these days. And I am taking back the parts of my life I was pushing aside. I scheduled appointments, planned and paid for a training workshop, called a counselor to set up an appointment (after the polygraph therapist fiasco I have been dragging my feet on starting therapy again), and I've been participating in multiple recovery meetings. I cook meals when I'm finding the time, and warming up frozen dinners when I need a break. And not feeling guilty for taking days off. 

I'm following my gut. Stepping out of my comfort zone. Telling my fears they are valid, and I appreciate their concerns but I'm still going forward with what feels right. And working on telling my mind to be still. 

I feel a bit all over the place today. I feel the pendulum swinging back and forth and I'm not sure where it is going to stop. But I'm hanging on and going along with it willingly.

This is my life. I am led by God and he knows where I'm going. I'm trying to trust in Him and pray I can hang on for the ride. And learn to appreciate the journey instead of waiting for the destination. 

Taking Flight

Life has been really beautiful and messy and beautifully messy lately. The polygraph was an icky yucky time, but it was the beginning of change that turned our dang caterpillar of a relationship into more of a butterfly. (Yes, that's the best I can do right now. Wink.)

I have seen such monumental change in myself, in my husband, and in my relationship, and it is hopeful, exciting, and just about dang time.

I see my husband working hard everyday. I see him trying to understand me more. Responding to me when I say "hey, this isn't right". He is curious, empathetic, helpful, loving, repentant, remorseful, and also still very human. And so am I. And I am beginning to be able to honor the human in him, as well as in myself. To recognize his efforts, and to give him the space he needs to learn and grow.

I went to a 12 step meeting last week. I spoke up and said I would like to share a bit about my story. It was amazing. I told my story and if felt like acceptance. The kleenex box sat next to me untouched. I felt peace. Hope. Gratitude. Contentment. Well, content enough. And that is huge.

The last few months have been a whirlwind of every emotion imaginable intensified. It was the darkest night before the dawn, and now I am enjoying the sunshine.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't know if things will continue to get better between my husband and I and stay that way for good. I hope they do. But the things I learned about myself during that time, and the things I have seen my husband is capable of, will stay with me always. There is no going back to the way things were before. There is no climbing back into the cocoon after this butterfly has hatched. I have spread my wings and I'm going to use them when needed.

Because I have been waiting so long to fly.

Cautiously Optimistic

Remember how I talked about the roller coaster here?

Well right now we are at the top of the coaster. Things are good, really good. I am just enjoying it and living in the moment(thanks to a lovely friend makemyburdenlight suggesting it).

This is the point where I would give a big sigh of relief and say to myself "whew.....we made it". He has seen the light. I've always wanted to attend one of those churches, the kind with a pastor who yells and proclaims and shouts hallelujah's from the pulpit. It is in this precise moment when I would hear that voice in my head shouting for joy, "Hallelujah! He has seen the LIGHT!".

I always thought once he seemed to understand something important, no, VITAL, to our recovery as a couple that everything would be better. Still difficult mind you, I mean, there was no ignoring that triggers for either of us, whether the pain of him still struggling with lust, or me remembering past betrayals. But I thought that if we were a team, united, then the hard part was behind us.

But then the roller coaster would plummet and everything would be tossed upside down again.

So today I am using a different approach.

I don't assume this is the last time. I don't even expect it is. And that my friends, is so freeing. Life changing! Because then I am not controlled by what he does or doesn't do.

Does that mean it won't hurt if/when he loses empathy? No.

Does that mean I don't hope like heck that this is the last time we go through this roller coaster? No.

I still hope for change that lasts. I still pray for it, but I don't base all my happiness on whether it lasts or not.

I am Cautiously Optimistic. I hope we can remain a team through all the future challenges. I hope he will remember how to hold my pain, how to listen to me, and not just try to "fix" the problem.

But I don't expect that the change will last. And I continue to prepare and work my recovery so that when that roller coaster plummets I am ready. So it doesn't drop out of nowhere while I scramble to put on my seat belt.

This is where boundaries come in. This is where self care comes in. This is why I have my support network in place, with women who I can call, text, vox, email, telegram....when I need them. Which is most of the time when I am awake.

I am reminded that my husband is not God. I love his support, love, and understanding. But I am learning not to need it. Because I can't hand over control of my happiness to someone who is human and makes mistakes. I trust my life with God, who knows all, sees all, understands all. He alone has the power to provide me with complete safety.

I want my husband to find true recovery. I want these changes in him to last. I take each day with him on my side as a gift. An opportunity to breathe. Take lots of hot baths while he watches the kids. Let him buy my favorite treats, and vent all the pain and fear and hurt I am feeling while he is able to listen. I find happiness in this day, as it is, and try not to look back on how pissed I would be if I read this after d day 14 months ago. (Seriously, I would be majorly pissed)

So thank you my friends for reading. Thanks for giving me a space where I can be heard. Where I am allowed to learn and grow and accept myself. I needed it.