Along for the ride

Freedom

Things were dark for a while there. It was a -ball on the floor-fly into a rage-wish I could crawl out of my skin- kind of week. After another painful attempt at climbing back over the barbed wire fence, I have finally found my groove and am feeling re-centered.

I told my husband I don't want to live this way anymore. We are having another in home separation and I am starting to work on preparing myself to be independent. I don't know how long I will continue to live like this, but I know I'm working towards a way out. I am tired of this cycle. Tired of the dishonesty. The blame. The rationalizations, denial, and selfishness. I am tired of always being the one to bring his behavior to light. I won't be his Savior anymore. I can't be. All my attempts at helping him see his ways have just continued the cycle. 

A helpful(aka enabling) wife does not a recovered man make. 

I am feeling much more peace and serenity these days. And I am taking back the parts of my life I was pushing aside. I scheduled appointments, planned and paid for a training workshop, called a counselor to set up an appointment (after the polygraph therapist fiasco I have been dragging my feet on starting therapy again), and I've been participating in multiple recovery meetings. I cook meals when I'm finding the time, and warming up frozen dinners when I need a break. And not feeling guilty for taking days off. 

I'm following my gut. Stepping out of my comfort zone. Telling my fears they are valid, and I appreciate their concerns but I'm still going forward with what feels right. And working on telling my mind to be still. 

I feel a bit all over the place today. I feel the pendulum swinging back and forth and I'm not sure where it is going to stop. But I'm hanging on and going along with it willingly.

This is my life. I am led by God and he knows where I'm going. I'm trying to trust in Him and pray I can hang on for the ride. And learn to appreciate the journey instead of waiting for the destination.