Winds of Change

My last post was about how we were doing so much better. Well...things have changed. We are separated, living in different states, and my kids and I are staying with family. We have a polygraph scheduled for 2 weeks from now, and we haven't even started disclosure yet. There have been too many unknowns, secrets, gut pangs, whatever you want to call it. Something is just not right.

My husband says he has been sober for over a year, is in "good recovery", goes to a few recovery meetings a week, works the steps, has a sponsor, and a sponsee, and yet.....I can't get far enough away from him. My creepy guy detector has become deafening.  Not that my senses are the only thing telling me something is wrong. I don't know if my husband is still looking at porn, but at the very least he is a dry drunk still stuck in the addiction cycle of blame, defensiveness, shame....

Case in point, my hubs has maintained he has never lusted after a woman in "real life" meaning a woman not on a screen, page, etc. This has been a battle between us for over a year. I don't believe him, and I am upset, he is upset that I don't believe him, and on and on.
So the polygraph gets scheduled and guess what? Within a few days I get a text..."I just remembered there was a time that I lusted after a real woman." He just remembered all of a sudden after 15 months saying otherwise and it was an isolated event. Apparently it has only happened one time. How is your creepy guy detector doing? Yeah mine is going off too!

There have been so many things I have asked him to disclose  to me, only to find out later, from my own checking, that he wasn't, and when I would ask him about it, there was always an excuse. "I didn't know you wanted to know that." "I don't remember you asking me.....", and on and on.

Where am I going with this? I don't know. I am always looking for validation that I am not insane, but I am also trying to cross a threshold here. A line that says enough is enough. I don't need anyone to tell me that my husband isn't being honest. I keep thinking I do. A counselor, his sponsor, a polygraph, etc. But I really don't. Whether I discover any "proof" of his lies or not, I can feel the spirit telling me that something is wrong. That my marriage is full of holes and gaps, and that unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach means something! And that something isn't just the trauma from betrayal. It is the same feeling I had when I didn't know about his addiction. When I would tell him I felt like something wasn't right, even when I had no clue what that was. And when he would look me in the eyes and tell me he didn't know what that something was.

I am in survival mode. The fear and panic about "what is going on, where am I going to live, what am I going to do????!?!?!" threatens to tear me apart constantly. I am fighting a battle every day to try and keep moving, keep working on my healing but it feels sometimes like trying to build a sand castle when the waves are still coming in and washing it away.

I know I can't stay here, I know I am scared to move back home and live there(I would live there alone with my kids but I have no family for hundreds of miles out there and since we just moved there I don't know anyone in the area.)

I have been making some changes and starting some new things in my life that I am hoping will cause a shift. I am hoping these changes will give me the boost I need to deal with this mess. I am praying that God will give me the strength to make it through. I can't wait around hoping my husband will save our marriage, our family. The storm has rolled in and it is time to get my kids to safety, with or without him. Things need to change. I need to change. And my kids need a change too.

To be honest

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Oh honesty, honesty.

The question of all questions for me right now.

What......is.........honesty?

I have spent an embarrassingly extensive amount of time and energy trying to find the answer to this question.
Not because I still don't understand it. But because I have been trying to beat it into my husband out of a misunderstood need to have his approval. To make him "see" so that it will validate that I am not crazy and it is okay for me to expect complete honesty and transparency.

I believe honesty is one thing, he believes it is another. I can't just say "oh well" and move on can I? He has to agree with me or else I'm doing something wrong, right? RIGHT?

Sigh.

So many things I had have to learn.

My husband has lied. A lot. He has done a lot of "omission" lying. And a lot of "looked me right in the eyes" lying. My husband had to be caught to confess, and even when I asked repeatedly if he still struggled after dday 1, and if he ever looked at porn again, and begged him to tell me he still had problems because I knew something wasn't right and I felt crazy....he....still....lied.... for the next 6-7 years.

So, no, I am not okay with partial honesty.

Let me give some more information.

Since dday 2, I have asked that my husband tell me everything. Everything meaning when he is triggered, how he has objectified me(which he said he hadn't until he figured that out too, by much prompting on my part), when he lusts, when he feels tempted, etc.

I have not asked for all the "gory" details of his acting out. Through a little trial and error in the beginning, I learned what I did not need to know, and do not ask for that kind of information.

Well, thanks to counselors(who have encouraged him to set a boundary that he will not tell me what I don't need to know because it isn't "healthy" for our relationship) and sponsors and SA fellows who say "your wife doesn't need to know your junk", my husband believes that it isn't good for me to be hearing all of that. He thinks it is unhealthy in our marriage (both our counselors say it is unhealthy to have the parent-child relationship) and has even pulled the "it might cause me to relapse from the shame" card. (When I asked him if he has ever felt close to that he said no, but it *might happen.) So he has laid down that boundary. Twice. The second time writing me a letter saying he would not tell me anything he didn't feel he needed to, other than slips, relapses, or inappropriate thoughts during sex. He wouldn't share step work, triggers, thoughts, dreams, lusting, etc. unless he felt he should.

Well, after I explained that his boundary violated my boundary of the kind of honesty I needed to feel safe, I asked him to stay somewhere else for awhile.

He later decided that although he still wanted to discuss it with a counselor and he doesn't agree with it, he would be honest with me however I wanted.

Which brings us to where we are now. I still mostly get check-ins that include, "had a pretty good day, no problems, other than wanting to fantasize about sex with you"(which we agrees he should avoid because it seems to be giving him that lust hit the addiction is trying to use for a way in), and I don't trust him. I want to soooo much. But he has always withheld information, said he honestly didn't know I'd want to know it, or have some other excuse for not telling me, then I felt unsafe, unsafe, unsafe.

And it doesn't help that he has never said he's felt tempted to watch porn or masturbate since dday 2 which was 10 months ago. He also never admits to lusting after anyone(anyone "in the flesh" and not on a computer screen or catalog, except that he did in a letter, but then backpedaled and said he didn't depending on my definition of lust), he only "notices" that they are attractive, or realizes he is staring at their boobs but only because he zoned out, or double takes but just out of habit, not lust. Because it isn't lust if you didn't make a conscious decision to do it, right? He didn't mean to so it can't be lust, lust is a conscious decision to do something wrong, right? 

I don't even know where to go from here. This just shows that I don't feel right. I don't trust him. I am upset that either he is lying,  or he is honestly not seeing it(which I am leaning toward thinking is the case). And I hate that. I keep trying to get closer; he is sober, trying to be empathetic, trying to work recovery, being a better husband and father. But I keep running into a "do not cross" line that I cannot pass until I start seeing this understanding of honesty take place.

My trauma from all the lying is very high. I am so fearful, and distrusting. I can't trust his words, and right now, his actions aren't enough to reassure.

I hate when I can't go where I want to go. I hate being held back.

I need honesty and transparency in my marriage. I need to know that my husband is doing everything he can to repair the damage he has done. To me, that means a willingness to share what I need for safety. This is what I need, regardless of whether our therapists, his sponsor, SA group members, or his spiritual promptings(he felt inspired to set those boundaries) agree. I will settle for nothing less.