Battle

In the trenches.
The polygraph is happening right now states away and time feels like it has stopped.

What if he doesn't pass? What if he does????

There was new information that came out before the polygraph. Lies. And irrefutable lies. I already know my husband has been blatantly deceiving me without question. At this point the polygraph is just to know whether my worst fears have come true.

And my husband is still manipulating his way around EVERYTHING.

I have text evidence of his own words where he contradicts what he is trying to tell me I am "misunderstanding".

He is so very lost. And underneath all the pain, anger, and fear, is pity. For a man that is so far gone he believes his own lies even when they are staring him in the face. It is heartbreaking.

Then in the middle of our conversation, when it is clear he has lied so deeply, I end the conversation and ask him to call me back when he has thought about it and realizes his mistake.

Then I get a voicemail.  A big terrible awful voicemail.

It is my psychologist, but she isn't leaving a message for me. She called the wrong person.

My stomach dropped and my eyes grew wide with disbelief. She is leaving a message for our polygrapher on my phone. And saying things that she shouldn't be saying, she is talking about the client's "wife"...."it sounds like you have already figured out that she is really difficult to deal with"......"she's been told repeatedly by me that the things she are asking are not gonna be good questions for the poly"....

She sounds annoyed. I feel betrayed.

Earlier that day we had a phone session. She talked about how my needs would be met, how they would be doing everything they can to get me the answers I need. She said she was on my side. She knew, having been betrayed herself what my pain was. There was compassion, empathy, understanding. She mentioned some of the questions were tricky, but I should contact the polygrapher and she could help me define them so they will be effective. No suggestion that these questions should be changed. No hint of the emotions she conveys in this voicemail.

I was shaking. My teeth started to chatter uncontrollably. My husband calls back, at first I tell him I can't talk about anything else, I tell him what happened.

A few minutes later he calls again. I am very hesitant to put myself through more pain when I am in crisis. A tiny sliver of hope that he will confess his mistake, apologize for the many lies and show me a determination to change. I warn him not to hurt me any more right now.

As soon as the words "I am so sorry that you FEEL like you are being lied to...." slip out of his mouth I hang up. I am broken completely. Every last shard of my heart disintegrates into nothing. The reality of my situation hits me in the gut.

My husband is a liar. He has played his part well. Over a year sober. Multiple addiction meetings weekly, seeing a therapist, working steps with a sponsor, he has a SPONSEE.
All while choosing to stay stuck, and is unwilling to acknowledge the problem. His dishonesty destroys all of his efforts and he doesn't even see it.
Insanity.

I am surviving. I am working like hell to fight against Satan's attempts to destroy me and my family.
I received a blessing and it confirmed to me that I need to do everything in my power to protect me and my precious children from this disease. I need to build them up and prepare them because what lies ahead is not going to be pretty.

My oldest daughter is amazingly intuitive. She has been crying the last few days because she misses her daddy. She feels everything that is going on even without me telling her. She says "I feel like we are never going to live with him again". (We are living with my parents right now) I don't know what to say to her. I don't know if we will live with him again either. I hold her, I tell her I understand how she feels, and that she will be able to talk to him soon. How am I going to tell her we won't be living with daddy for a long time, and that mommy and daddy may never live together again? How can I break her heart like that? I trust in God and His plan for us. I know he loves this little girl infinitely more than even I do. He will give us exactly what we need. Everything is happening just as it should and I feel His strength carrying me through.

Any minute now I will know if my husband has crossed lines I never thought he would cross.

I am strength.
I am peace.
I am doing hard things.
I will rise above.

Winds of Change

My last post was about how we were doing so much better. Well...things have changed. We are separated, living in different states, and my kids and I are staying with family. We have a polygraph scheduled for 2 weeks from now, and we haven't even started disclosure yet. There have been too many unknowns, secrets, gut pangs, whatever you want to call it. Something is just not right.

My husband says he has been sober for over a year, is in "good recovery", goes to a few recovery meetings a week, works the steps, has a sponsor, and a sponsee, and yet.....I can't get far enough away from him. My creepy guy detector has become deafening.  Not that my senses are the only thing telling me something is wrong. I don't know if my husband is still looking at porn, but at the very least he is a dry drunk still stuck in the addiction cycle of blame, defensiveness, shame....

Case in point, my hubs has maintained he has never lusted after a woman in "real life" meaning a woman not on a screen, page, etc. This has been a battle between us for over a year. I don't believe him, and I am upset, he is upset that I don't believe him, and on and on.
So the polygraph gets scheduled and guess what? Within a few days I get a text..."I just remembered there was a time that I lusted after a real woman." He just remembered all of a sudden after 15 months saying otherwise and it was an isolated event. Apparently it has only happened one time. How is your creepy guy detector doing? Yeah mine is going off too!

There have been so many things I have asked him to disclose  to me, only to find out later, from my own checking, that he wasn't, and when I would ask him about it, there was always an excuse. "I didn't know you wanted to know that." "I don't remember you asking me.....", and on and on.

Where am I going with this? I don't know. I am always looking for validation that I am not insane, but I am also trying to cross a threshold here. A line that says enough is enough. I don't need anyone to tell me that my husband isn't being honest. I keep thinking I do. A counselor, his sponsor, a polygraph, etc. But I really don't. Whether I discover any "proof" of his lies or not, I can feel the spirit telling me that something is wrong. That my marriage is full of holes and gaps, and that unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach means something! And that something isn't just the trauma from betrayal. It is the same feeling I had when I didn't know about his addiction. When I would tell him I felt like something wasn't right, even when I had no clue what that was. And when he would look me in the eyes and tell me he didn't know what that something was.

I am in survival mode. The fear and panic about "what is going on, where am I going to live, what am I going to do????!?!?!" threatens to tear me apart constantly. I am fighting a battle every day to try and keep moving, keep working on my healing but it feels sometimes like trying to build a sand castle when the waves are still coming in and washing it away.

I know I can't stay here, I know I am scared to move back home and live there(I would live there alone with my kids but I have no family for hundreds of miles out there and since we just moved there I don't know anyone in the area.)

I have been making some changes and starting some new things in my life that I am hoping will cause a shift. I am hoping these changes will give me the boost I need to deal with this mess. I am praying that God will give me the strength to make it through. I can't wait around hoping my husband will save our marriage, our family. The storm has rolled in and it is time to get my kids to safety, with or without him. Things need to change. I need to change. And my kids need a change too.

A letter to myself

I felt inspired to write this letter after watching a few other women read their stories on the LDS ARP website. You can find those videos here.

Dear Sway,

I am so sorry for the pain you are in right now. That is probably the most inadequate sentence I have ever written. There are truly no words to describe the hell you are going through right now. 

There are a few things I want you to know. First of all, you are going to be okay. I know you probably want to punch me for saying that, but it's true. I know because I am you. There will be many, many times that it will feel like your world is ending, but there will also be times of great strength and empowerment. 

You will receive blessings that confirm the truth that your Father in heaven knows and loves you. Personally. He is aware of your struggle and He is watching over you every step of the way. Even on the days when you feel hopelessly alone. 

You will also become so much more than you have ever been. This is a life changing moment. From this moment on you will never be the same, and there will come a day when that fact will bring tears to your eyes, and joy to your heart. 

Remember how you felt incomplete? Remember how you wondered if this was all there was to life? The moments where you prayed and asked Heavenly Father to help you move forward? To strengthen your testimony? This is the start of that new beginning. I know, what a terrible way to find the answers to those questions. It's okay to be angry. Really angry. You will be so angry that you won't know what to do. You will want to claw off your skin, destroy EVERYTHING. It's okay. You will learn how to honor those feelings, let it flow through you, and find peace again. 

Now is not the time to be hard on yourself. You do not need to take on the responsibility of "helping" your husband find recovery. That is his responsibility. I know you won't know how to let go. It's okay. Make mistakes and learn from them. It will take time to let go. In the meantime, forgive yourself when you just can't pull away. It's a process, and everyday you are taking another step towards healing. You will get there. Don't rush it or expect it to work on your timetable. You will get there when you are meant to. 

One of the most important things you need to do is start reaching out to others. Sit and ponder who to open up to. The more people you can call on the better. Every time you reach out and share your story you will become stronger, more confident in your ability to get through this. I know it is scary but once you build up your support network with women who know and even women who don't, you will feel the strength and support of your sisters standing with you. They are warriors just like you. Trust them with your fears and your hopes. 

Find 12 step meetings and attend when you can. Work the steps. They will be like an anchor, keeping you from drifting off into crazy town. Find a sponsor. Reach out to her often. Journal. When you feel like wringing your husbands neck, get out your journal and spew words out onto the page. Write until you can't write anymore. 

Treat yourself with kindness. Really. Take care of yourself. Go to sleep instead of writing that email pleading with your husband to care about you. You don't need him to take care of you anymore. You are going to do that for yourself just fine. Speak to yourself how you would talk to yourself as a little girl. Cherish that little girl in you. She has been through fire, and she has done amazing things. She did the best with what she had, and she has goodness in her heart. She has a great desire to do more, be more. She needs you to protect her and tell her she is enough. 

There is so much more I want to say. I wish I could be with you through this. I wish I could make you believe all the things that you will refuse to accept right now. But I trust you. I know you will find your way. You are capable of so much. You will find your power. When you are at your lowest, you will fall on your knees and pray to know what to do. And He will answer you. He will show you the way. You are not alone. We are going to make it Sway. Life will be beautiful again. Hang on. Miracles are on their way. 

Love, Sway

The Devil in a Tutu

credit

I have been having a recurring dream that leaves me feeling scared, depressed, and uneasy. It comes in many different forms, but last night it included Jim Carrey in a tutu. 

The general format is this:

I am walking around in an unfamiliar place which is usually a college campus, or a mall, etc. I always feel like I'm in a labyrinth. 

I am trying to get somewhere but I have no idea where I'm even trying to get to. I feel like I've been walking for hours and hours and I've been through many rooms, buildings, spaces, and they are never the same. 

There are usually people around but no one is interested in helping me. Actually, I don't think I ever ask for help. Which is strange because in these dreams I always feel scared, panicky, and anxious that I'm going to be late to something important. 

At some point in the dream, I start to realize that I'm not only trying to reach a destination, I am trying to avoid or get away from someone. 

In my dreams I don't usually know who I'm trying to get away from, although last night it was Jim Carrey from that Pet Detective movie as shown in the picture above. (My mind has to include something humorous at some point since comedy is how I make it through life. Although in my dream he was not funny.)

My dream usually ends when I make it out of the "labyrinth" but I don't feel relief. Usually at that point there is some sort of confrontation with the unknown person who is coming after me, and I wake up in the middle of it. No closure or resolution. No happy ending. Just left hanging on the edge of fear. 

Last night it ended with Jim Carrey running after me as I got in my car, and he ended up on my windshield with a crazy look in his eyes as I tried to swerve left and right to shake him off. This sounds pretty funny now that I'm typing it out but last night I was terrified. My heart raced as I ran to get in my car in a dark parking lot with him running after me. My blood froze because I felt like his intentions were sinister. He was going to hurt me, beat me, rape me, I don't know. But I was afraid that he would leave me broken. 

Writing this out, I feel like there is no way to convey the sheer terror I feel when I'm dreaming. And maybe this will just seem weird or funny to you. But I think this story is a parallel to my life right now. 

In life, and in life with a sex addict, I often feel lost and confused. I don't know what decisions to make, I "wander around aimlessly" through life because I struggle with taking action with almost everything. 

I struggle with reaching out for help. I don't want to seem pathetic or needy. I feel like my problems don't warrant that kind of help or attention from others and that I should just figure it out or deal with it. Which never works out. 

I have major trust issues with men. I have been betrayed by my father, and then my husband. My mind equates this to mean that all men are untrustworthy. I think this comes out in my dream as always feeling chased by some unknown man and his intentions are not clear. This is how I feel about my husband. I constantly question his motives and feel like I will never really know when he is sincere, or what he really wants. This is a result of all the lies. All the times he held me and comforted me and promised he would take care of me, and looked me in the eyes and said there was nothing to worry about when I said "Do you still have a problem with porn?". He was so convincing. 

The other night I talked to my husband about this and told him how traumatizing it was that he could do that so convincingly. He said it was a terrible thing to do. That he was a coward. Too afraid to tell me the truth and that he protected himself instead of protecting me. He said he was oily, slimy, and filthy and he was sorry for doing it. 

I want to believe he is sincere, but again, my mind swirls with thoughts of "well I believed him last time he talked to me like this", and "he just knows all the right things to say now because we've talked about it so much". 

I don't like these dreams. I wish they would go away. What I really want is to recover from the pain, trauma, unhealthy ways of coping with life, and to be able to live a life full of purpose and happiness. I don't want to be the agoraphobic old cat lady who tells you about all the adventures she would have had if she hadn't always been so afraid.  

I want to believe that through the atonement, working recovery, growing my support network, working the steps, being accountable to my sponsor, and practicing vulnerability will heal my life, and heal my dreams. I want to dance again. Sing without worrying who is listening. Take my kids out to the park instead of staying home because heaven forbid I should forget to bring snacks and we will all die of hunger and thirst. Holy anxiety. 

So this week I think I will take my kids to the park. The weather has been nice, and we are moving to a new state soon so we all need a break from the fear and stress of moving. I just hope we don't run into any weirdos lurking in the shadows. Especially not any crazy men in tutus.