Such a long road...and now I'm saying NOT THIS

I've been MIA for awhile. Looking back I can see that things are not only NOT getting better, they've gotten worse.

I'm looking for work. I'm getting my ducks in a row. I'm taking steps forward.

Hard. Scary as hell. But so so necessary.

A dear friend shared this post the other day. It resonated with me so deeply, so thoroughly, and I know it's time to do what it takes to meet my needs. I'm still terrified. I'm still unsure how to do it. I'm still MAD AS HELL heartbroken that it's come to this.

But when I see little glimpses of a happy Sway, dancing under the moon in all her perfectly imperfect, beautiful, FREE glory, loving her children, fulfilling her dreams, making decisions without someone constantly in her ear TELLING HER NO and trying to control the very air she breathes because they can't stand to face the music on their own....it makes it just a little bit easier. It puts a little more fire in my bones.

I am worth love and respect. I am enough just the way I am. I am ready to seek happiness with God by my side, nudging me on. I know He is with me. I know He wants me to be happy. I know He'll help me find a way.

Cue the southern momma pleading "Lord, give me strength!".

Along for the ride

Freedom

Things were dark for a while there. It was a -ball on the floor-fly into a rage-wish I could crawl out of my skin- kind of week. After another painful attempt at climbing back over the barbed wire fence, I have finally found my groove and am feeling re-centered.

I told my husband I don't want to live this way anymore. We are having another in home separation and I am starting to work on preparing myself to be independent. I don't know how long I will continue to live like this, but I know I'm working towards a way out. I am tired of this cycle. Tired of the dishonesty. The blame. The rationalizations, denial, and selfishness. I am tired of always being the one to bring his behavior to light. I won't be his Savior anymore. I can't be. All my attempts at helping him see his ways have just continued the cycle. 

A helpful(aka enabling) wife does not a recovered man make. 

I am feeling much more peace and serenity these days. And I am taking back the parts of my life I was pushing aside. I scheduled appointments, planned and paid for a training workshop, called a counselor to set up an appointment (after the polygraph therapist fiasco I have been dragging my feet on starting therapy again), and I've been participating in multiple recovery meetings. I cook meals when I'm finding the time, and warming up frozen dinners when I need a break. And not feeling guilty for taking days off. 

I'm following my gut. Stepping out of my comfort zone. Telling my fears they are valid, and I appreciate their concerns but I'm still going forward with what feels right. And working on telling my mind to be still. 

I feel a bit all over the place today. I feel the pendulum swinging back and forth and I'm not sure where it is going to stop. But I'm hanging on and going along with it willingly.

This is my life. I am led by God and he knows where I'm going. I'm trying to trust in Him and pray I can hang on for the ride. And learn to appreciate the journey instead of waiting for the destination.