Such a long road...and now I'm saying NOT THIS

I've been MIA for awhile. Looking back I can see that things are not only NOT getting better, they've gotten worse.

I'm looking for work. I'm getting my ducks in a row. I'm taking steps forward.

Hard. Scary as hell. But so so necessary.

A dear friend shared this post the other day. It resonated with me so deeply, so thoroughly, and I know it's time to do what it takes to meet my needs. I'm still terrified. I'm still unsure how to do it. I'm still MAD AS HELL heartbroken that it's come to this.

But when I see little glimpses of a happy Sway, dancing under the moon in all her perfectly imperfect, beautiful, FREE glory, loving her children, fulfilling her dreams, making decisions without someone constantly in her ear TELLING HER NO and trying to control the very air she breathes because they can't stand to face the music on their own....it makes it just a little bit easier. It puts a little more fire in my bones.

I am worth love and respect. I am enough just the way I am. I am ready to seek happiness with God by my side, nudging me on. I know He is with me. I know He wants me to be happy. I know He'll help me find a way.

Cue the southern momma pleading "Lord, give me strength!".

Along for the ride

Freedom

Things were dark for a while there. It was a -ball on the floor-fly into a rage-wish I could crawl out of my skin- kind of week. After another painful attempt at climbing back over the barbed wire fence, I have finally found my groove and am feeling re-centered.

I told my husband I don't want to live this way anymore. We are having another in home separation and I am starting to work on preparing myself to be independent. I don't know how long I will continue to live like this, but I know I'm working towards a way out. I am tired of this cycle. Tired of the dishonesty. The blame. The rationalizations, denial, and selfishness. I am tired of always being the one to bring his behavior to light. I won't be his Savior anymore. I can't be. All my attempts at helping him see his ways have just continued the cycle. 

A helpful(aka enabling) wife does not a recovered man make. 

I am feeling much more peace and serenity these days. And I am taking back the parts of my life I was pushing aside. I scheduled appointments, planned and paid for a training workshop, called a counselor to set up an appointment (after the polygraph therapist fiasco I have been dragging my feet on starting therapy again), and I've been participating in multiple recovery meetings. I cook meals when I'm finding the time, and warming up frozen dinners when I need a break. And not feeling guilty for taking days off. 

I'm following my gut. Stepping out of my comfort zone. Telling my fears they are valid, and I appreciate their concerns but I'm still going forward with what feels right. And working on telling my mind to be still. 

I feel a bit all over the place today. I feel the pendulum swinging back and forth and I'm not sure where it is going to stop. But I'm hanging on and going along with it willingly.

This is my life. I am led by God and he knows where I'm going. I'm trying to trust in Him and pray I can hang on for the ride. And learn to appreciate the journey instead of waiting for the destination. 

Winds of Change

My last post was about how we were doing so much better. Well...things have changed. We are separated, living in different states, and my kids and I are staying with family. We have a polygraph scheduled for 2 weeks from now, and we haven't even started disclosure yet. There have been too many unknowns, secrets, gut pangs, whatever you want to call it. Something is just not right.

My husband says he has been sober for over a year, is in "good recovery", goes to a few recovery meetings a week, works the steps, has a sponsor, and a sponsee, and yet.....I can't get far enough away from him. My creepy guy detector has become deafening.  Not that my senses are the only thing telling me something is wrong. I don't know if my husband is still looking at porn, but at the very least he is a dry drunk still stuck in the addiction cycle of blame, defensiveness, shame....

Case in point, my hubs has maintained he has never lusted after a woman in "real life" meaning a woman not on a screen, page, etc. This has been a battle between us for over a year. I don't believe him, and I am upset, he is upset that I don't believe him, and on and on.
So the polygraph gets scheduled and guess what? Within a few days I get a text..."I just remembered there was a time that I lusted after a real woman." He just remembered all of a sudden after 15 months saying otherwise and it was an isolated event. Apparently it has only happened one time. How is your creepy guy detector doing? Yeah mine is going off too!

There have been so many things I have asked him to disclose  to me, only to find out later, from my own checking, that he wasn't, and when I would ask him about it, there was always an excuse. "I didn't know you wanted to know that." "I don't remember you asking me.....", and on and on.

Where am I going with this? I don't know. I am always looking for validation that I am not insane, but I am also trying to cross a threshold here. A line that says enough is enough. I don't need anyone to tell me that my husband isn't being honest. I keep thinking I do. A counselor, his sponsor, a polygraph, etc. But I really don't. Whether I discover any "proof" of his lies or not, I can feel the spirit telling me that something is wrong. That my marriage is full of holes and gaps, and that unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach means something! And that something isn't just the trauma from betrayal. It is the same feeling I had when I didn't know about his addiction. When I would tell him I felt like something wasn't right, even when I had no clue what that was. And when he would look me in the eyes and tell me he didn't know what that something was.

I am in survival mode. The fear and panic about "what is going on, where am I going to live, what am I going to do????!?!?!" threatens to tear me apart constantly. I am fighting a battle every day to try and keep moving, keep working on my healing but it feels sometimes like trying to build a sand castle when the waves are still coming in and washing it away.

I know I can't stay here, I know I am scared to move back home and live there(I would live there alone with my kids but I have no family for hundreds of miles out there and since we just moved there I don't know anyone in the area.)

I have been making some changes and starting some new things in my life that I am hoping will cause a shift. I am hoping these changes will give me the boost I need to deal with this mess. I am praying that God will give me the strength to make it through. I can't wait around hoping my husband will save our marriage, our family. The storm has rolled in and it is time to get my kids to safety, with or without him. Things need to change. I need to change. And my kids need a change too.

Cautiously Optimistic

Remember how I talked about the roller coaster here?

Well right now we are at the top of the coaster. Things are good, really good. I am just enjoying it and living in the moment(thanks to a lovely friend makemyburdenlight suggesting it).

This is the point where I would give a big sigh of relief and say to myself "whew.....we made it". He has seen the light. I've always wanted to attend one of those churches, the kind with a pastor who yells and proclaims and shouts hallelujah's from the pulpit. It is in this precise moment when I would hear that voice in my head shouting for joy, "Hallelujah! He has seen the LIGHT!".

I always thought once he seemed to understand something important, no, VITAL, to our recovery as a couple that everything would be better. Still difficult mind you, I mean, there was no ignoring that triggers for either of us, whether the pain of him still struggling with lust, or me remembering past betrayals. But I thought that if we were a team, united, then the hard part was behind us.

But then the roller coaster would plummet and everything would be tossed upside down again.

So today I am using a different approach.

I don't assume this is the last time. I don't even expect it is. And that my friends, is so freeing. Life changing! Because then I am not controlled by what he does or doesn't do.

Does that mean it won't hurt if/when he loses empathy? No.

Does that mean I don't hope like heck that this is the last time we go through this roller coaster? No.

I still hope for change that lasts. I still pray for it, but I don't base all my happiness on whether it lasts or not.

I am Cautiously Optimistic. I hope we can remain a team through all the future challenges. I hope he will remember how to hold my pain, how to listen to me, and not just try to "fix" the problem.

But I don't expect that the change will last. And I continue to prepare and work my recovery so that when that roller coaster plummets I am ready. So it doesn't drop out of nowhere while I scramble to put on my seat belt.

This is where boundaries come in. This is where self care comes in. This is why I have my support network in place, with women who I can call, text, vox, email, telegram....when I need them. Which is most of the time when I am awake.

I am reminded that my husband is not God. I love his support, love, and understanding. But I am learning not to need it. Because I can't hand over control of my happiness to someone who is human and makes mistakes. I trust my life with God, who knows all, sees all, understands all. He alone has the power to provide me with complete safety.

I want my husband to find true recovery. I want these changes in him to last. I take each day with him on my side as a gift. An opportunity to breathe. Take lots of hot baths while he watches the kids. Let him buy my favorite treats, and vent all the pain and fear and hurt I am feeling while he is able to listen. I find happiness in this day, as it is, and try not to look back on how pissed I would be if I read this after d day 14 months ago. (Seriously, I would be majorly pissed)

So thank you my friends for reading. Thanks for giving me a space where I can be heard. Where I am allowed to learn and grow and accept myself. I needed it.

You feelin' strong my friend?

Feeling good with some strength today. A boundary has been broken. Now I'm getting past the painful part of that initial detachment. When space is much needed, it always feels like climbing over a barbed wire fence. I'm bloody and desperate to get on the other side, and it hurts. But once I'm over, and my wounds have been properly tended to by reaching out to WONDERFUL friends(most of whom I have never met in person), the peace sets in. Then the hysterical happiness seizes my heart and I feel a burst of strength. 

I run through the meadows like a crazy person who has escaped from an asylum, "I'm free, I'm free!!!!!".

So today I'm feeling strong. Loving this song by Ingrid Michaelson.

"Afterlife"

When the world is breaking down around you
Taking everything that you know
What you didn't know
Is that we can go forever if we want to
We can live inside of a moment
The one that we own

You and me we got this
You and me we're beautiful, beautiful

We all, we all, we're gonna be alright
We got, we got, we always got the fight in us
We all, we all, we're gonna live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow 'cause we're the afterlife

Living like you're dying isn't living at all
Give me your cold hands put them on my heart
Raise a glass to everyone who thinks
They'll never make it through this life
To live a brand-new start

You and me we got this
You and me we're beautiful, beautiful

We all, we all, we're gonna be alright
We got, we got, we always got the fight in us
We all, we all, we're gonna live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow 'cause we're the afterlife
'Cause we're the afterlife
'Cause we're the afterlife

Every time I close my eyes I hear your favorite song
Telling me not to run, not to worry anymore
I can hold on tight to nothing better than the rest
So it's now or never more

We all, we all, we're gonna be alright
We got the fight in us
We all, we all, we're gonna live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow 'cause we're the afterlife

We all, we all, we're gonna be alright
We got, we got, we always got the fight in us
We all, we all, we're gonna live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow 'cause we're the afterlife
'Cause we're the afterlife
'Cause we're the afterlife

We all, we all, we're gonna be alright
We got, we got, we always got the fight in us
We all, we all, we're gonna live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow 'cause we're the afterlife

A Pool of Muck

credit

I wake up in a pool of muck. 

I'm up to my waist in it. 

I try to come to my senses, and I feel bombarded. It smells putrid, it feels slimy, it covers my arms, my hair, it's slathered on my face. Once I take in my surroundings, I remember how I got here. 

My husband brought me to the muck, and asked me to help him wade through it. 

I look around, where is he? I remember that we had been digging through the muck together, looking for something precious that we lost. I can't remember what it is, but it is something I miss. I want it back. I think I NEED it. But I realize I'm looking alone. 

Wait. Why am I looking alone? I realize my husband was the one who lost it. On a day with a heartbreaking new beginning one year ago, I found out he had thrown it in the muck. "Why did you throw it in there?!?!?!". -enter addiction- He asked if I would help him find it. "Stay with me, please. Join me in the muck. We'll find it together."

I reluctantly agreed. 

Pretty soon though, I noticed something that bothered me. I had been expecting him to jump in the muck first, to lead the way. He lost it after all, shouldn't he be the one responsible for finding it?

But that isn't how it all went down. Somehow I ended up jumping in the muck, convincing him to jump in too, and help me look for the precious(gollum reference, sorry, hope it's not ruining the mood here). 

I was the one doing the heavy lifting. I didn't really like it, and found myself wondering why I was doing it in the first place. Maybe finding this precious thing wasn't worth all of this. It certainly didn't feel like it was worth it if he wasn't even willing to look with me. 

Sometimes I'd be wading through and he'd be right there with me, digging and digging. Sometimes he'd stand in it, but pretend he wasn't surrounded in filth, and couldn't understand why I was so upset about it. Other times he wouldn't even be in the pit, he'd be off doing something else and leave me in it, all alone. 

Then one day I decided I didn't have to stay in the pit. If he wasn't going to look, I wasn't going to look either. I had other needs to take care of. I had children to feed, a house to clean, happiness to find. I still really really wanted to have the precious back. I knew it meant so much to me. But I needed to know he was willing to find the precious himself. I couldn't look with him until I felt secure in his commitment to finding it. 

So I left the pit. I got out, wiped off the muck, and did my best to wash it off. Bits of it still stick to me, but I'm okay with that for now. I know it will take time to rid myself of the muck. 

He didn't react well to me leaving the pit. 

"Where did you go? Why aren't you helping me? I've been working so hard to wade through the muck and find the precious but it's never good enough for you. You are giving up on me even though I've been trying so hard."

It was hard not to go back and wade through the muck(it still is). It is hard not to feel guilty for leaving him there by himself. But I didn't throw the precious in there, And I can still choose to help him find it if I want to. But I can also choose not to help him. I am not a bad person for wanting to stay out of the muck. 

So for now I am letting him look by himself. Hopefully he will look hard. But that is his choice and I can't choose it for him. 

So I'm staying out of the muck for now, and maybe I'll want to help him tomorrow, or maybe I never will. 

But I know one thing for sure, if I ever want to help him look in the muck, I'll use a fishing pole first instead of jumping right in. 

Stand for the right

The hubs came home today seeking empathy. Empathy I was unable to give. 

He's been looking for a new job lately. One that doesn't require him to be states away working for months out of the year(the next scheduled trip is 3 months long!). He doesn't like his job anymore. I don't like his job. 

It doesn't help that when he would stay away on those work trips he would sit in the hotel room at night and watch porn on cable(which we've never had). 

It doesn't help that on those trips he works with filthy men who drink, go to strip clubs, and many have wives and girlfriends at home. And these same men talk about all the local "massage" parlors they will visit when they get home. 

And it doesn't help that they talk about it at work and tell obscene jokes on a regular basis. 

But what is really bothering me right now, what I really can't be empathetic about, is my husbands lack of action when he is surrounded by the filth. Even if that action was praying for help, asking others what they would do, something! Just not acceptance.

On his last trip away, we would check in and he'd tell me about another day of trying to avoid overhearing about their "escapades". He would try and leave if it was a conversation he was overhearing, or put on headphones, and every once in a while change the subject. But he has never made his beliefs known. Or complained to HR. And if they specifically tell a joke to him, he has always stayed and listened, or even laughed(which he feels guilty about later) because he is afraid of what they'll think of him. 

So when he came home today talking about how his boss was the one telling a joke about homosexuality, he wanted empathy for having to deal with that. 

I know it is hard to stand up to others. I know in the moment you panic and say or do things you aren't proud of. But my trauma? She doesn't really care. 

She only knows the searing pain of having a husband with a porn addiction who lied to her for years. 

She knows that her husband will sit and listen to verbal porn and expects her to just accept it because it would be too hard to say something, do something. 

And she knows that she feels unsafe. That he isn't safe. Because if he doesn't have the strength to say "hey man, I'm not into that stuff', then will he really resist the pressure to join those men on their hooker binges? (A little strong, I know, but valid.)

Last time we went through this I fell apart. I needed him to see why this hurt. Needed him to do something to spare me this pain. 

Today I feel strength. Today, I journal it all out like crazy, I reach out to my WoPA friends. I briefly let him know that it isn't okay with me, and I will detach for my own safety and sanity. Then I (do my best) to surrender it, and start making plans for how to handle the next trip(babysitters, housecleaner once in a while) he is on instead of insisting to myself that I can do it all alone. 

So I am "standing for the right" for me. Regardless of whether he can. 

And I may or may not have left the lyrics to this primary song up on the computer before he used it today. 

Our prophet has some words for you,

And these are the words:

"Be true, be true."

At work or at play,

In darkness or light,

Be true, be true,

And stand for the right.